masks

i have come to a sort of turning point in a few issues i'm thinking through. this hasn't yet resulted in a huge change in my circumstances, but i think changing your mindset about something can often be the hardest first step to make. it's even harder when those changes involve other people who, of course, you have no control over. and harder still when those changes involve a hypothetical situation, something you're going to deal with in the future but which hasn't been tested yet.

i know this sounds all abstract when i'm not being specific, but i'm not ready to write about the details yet, so please pardon my broad brushstrokes. also it's very rambly but i can't make it any more coherent at the moment. i might have another go later.

it's got a bit to do with how i see myself, and whether i value myself highly enough or not. when people ask me questions like "do you know who you are?" or "are you comfortable with who you are?" i would say yes without thinking, but when i look at how i react or deal with certain situations i realise that there are gaps between what i think i'm like, how that shows itself in the way i live my life, and consequently how other people see me.

i sometimes think about how i interact with friends, the situations i get myself into and how i will allow myself to be treated. at the moment i'm thinking about how does what i present to other people affect how they treat me? this seems like a question with an obvious answer, but sometimes i'm not even conscious of the 'me' i'm putting out there, and get confused as to why things happen or don't happen.

my dad and i were talking the other day about why i'm on anti-depressants - he doesn't really understand i don't think, so when i was describing how i felt just prior to going on them (exhausted, unmotivated, constantly crying, afraid to go out, etc) he was kind of shocked.

"but you seem like such a confident, capable person! you would be the last person i would think would need to be on anti-depressants."

now this might say more about my relationship with my dad than how the world in general perceives me, but that's always been an issue with me. i am too proud, i don't like to look out of my depth or out of control, so even when i'm hopelessly floundering i have this veneer of togetherness that seems to fool a lot of people. a lot of the time i'll be just longing for someone to come along and ask if i need help, or better still, just help me, but usually they look at me and think "she's coping fine" and move on.

i get frustrated when male friends rush to help the girls who act all helpless and (to be blunt) bimbo-like, who snap their fingers (or send an SMS) and the boys just jump-to. i get upset when it seems so obvious to me that it's usually all an act, yet these guys can't seem to see it. i get cranky with the girls who behave that way because i think it's manipulative and unfair.

and yet am i being any more honest in the way i behave? i'm the only one who's put out by my stoicism, the only one affected by my own jealousy, the only one who looks like a bitch when she complains about it. i'm not always showing my true self to people either.