now is the winter of our discontent

I never know how to write about being a single Christian woman without it sounding like a big whinge. And some people I think find it a bit too personal, especially talking about this stuff on something as public as a blog. But I think it's something worth writing about honestly because it's something I and many of my peers struggle with, and there must be some value in expressing that. Surely. (At least it can help the praying types to know what to pray for when they want to pray for me!)

Generally, I am quite happy with the way things are, I'm pretty content. I'm reasonably independent, I'm capable, I have a good job, I live in a lovely place, I have lots of wonderful friends and family and I'm valued for who I am as a person. But it seems that when I acknowledge aloud that I'm content, that's usually when the doubt creeps in and I start to feel most discontent and wonder why it is that I'm in this situation. I start to think about past mistakes and wonder whether I've screwed things up irreparably. I start to feel frustrated about who I am and what I have and all I can think about is what I haven't got and how I'm getting older and what if it gets to a point where it's all 'too late'?

Of course I am well aware of the pitfalls, sadnesses and loneliness within marriages at times, even when they're good ones. And I know parenthood is a tough road. I don't for one minute think that being a wife or mother would instantly fulfil me or make me eternally joyful or stop me being sick or suddenly cure my depression. And yet...

It's not so much the grand passion and romance that I start to dream about, but little things that speak of a deeper commitment and intimacy. Things borne of friendship and comfort and familiarity and wonder. I don't dream of a Broadway romance by any means, but there is something in Eliza Doolittle's simple wish - "Someone's head resting on my knee / warm and tender as he can be / who takes good care of me / oh wouldn't it be luverly?"

It's such a test of my faith, because I have to trust God that he's got a purpose for me that may involve a husband and a family one day...or it may not. And yet when I'm feeling low, I feel like wailing, "But why can't I have those things? What's wrong with me? I'm great with kids, aren't I? I'd be a great wife! Isn't this what I was made for?"

So. Please pray for me. Pray that I would remember that God has forgiven me all my past mistakes (and all my future ones too!). Pray that I would be grateful for what he has generously given me and not constantly wishing for something else, that I would find true contentment in him. Pray that I would trust him and be patient.