how it is

- struggling with tiredness as usual
- feeling a little out of step with everything, like i skipped a beat or something
- 2nd week back at work, 2nd week of my back feeling like hell
- feeling claustrophobic or mildly anxious everywhere i go
- enjoying listening to new music and reading terry pratchett again after a long absence (had to have at least one positive thing!)
- trying not to feel dissatisfied with my life when i hear about people i grew up with having their 2nd and 3rd children
- feeling mildly concerned that the lack of partner and children makes me feel this way, and understanding that my life is perfectly acceptable the way it is

that's just how it is right now. it'll change soon, i'm sure it will.

tagged

seems like a good a time as any to post, seeing as i can't sleep due to the bunch of idiots across the road sitting on their balcony getting increasingly drunk and noisy. i've shut my window; time will tell whether i value quiet over fresh air.

so it's about time to reply to karen's tagging. the idea is this:

Ground Rules: The first player of this “game” starts with the topic, “5 Guilty Pleasures” and people who get tagged need to write an blog entry about their 5 Guilty Pleasures as well as state this rule. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names.

so here goes...in no particular order, and off the top of my head:

• watching boxed sets of TV shows
  no ads, you can watch several episodes at a time (if so inclined), and just about every TV show ever made is available on DVD. recent indulgences include: the OC (the guiltiest pleasure of all), seachange, scrubs, friends, alias, the west wing, gilmore girls...
  


• chatting to friends at work on MSN
  to be able to vent or even just have a little bit of mid-morning banter can make even the most boring or stressful day go by a little quicker - and before you tell me it's not a proper use of work time or something, let me just say i am a very good multitasker and am usually working on several things at the same time. just one of the aspects of sitting in front of a computer all day.
  


• seeing my fiction in print
  it's vain, but there it is. actually, no, if i'm a writer then what else would please me? and damnit, it's something that is happening all too infrequently these days! must...write...more...
  


• singing and playing piano - at the same time!!!
  i found this surprisingly hard to do for a long time, i could do one or the other but not often both at the same time. but over the last couple of years i've found it easier to do and am enjoying performing every now and again, especially with other people. singing harmonies and playing at church gives me a buzz...those moments when the harmony is just right can be delicious, especially if you can get 3 parts going.
  


• staying up and sleeping late
  i used to live in the wee hours of the morning! over the last few weeks i've gotten accustomed to my old nocturnal lifestyle...alas, going back to work this week i'll have to get used to going to bed at a sensible hour. grr.
  

so...i don't know 5 people with blogs (who haven't already done this anyway), but here's 3 who may actually read this:

1. heath
2. georgia
3. emush

anyone else who wants to can tell me all about their 5 guilty pleasures in the comments section...(and if you do have a blog and haven't told me...what's your excuse? tell me!!!)

i wish it was autumn, but hey, i'm on holidays

at the moment it’s hot and humid and I’m having trouble sleeping.

last night I played Halo for three hours with Dave and when I went to bed at 12.30, every time I closed my eyes, everything I saw was in the Halo world, with little flashing red dots on my viewfinder and me running around, shooting things.

when I finally woke properly with a very sore back, it was 5.45am and I thought I’d get up and go for a walk. I went to Clovelly, thinking it would be nice to see the sun rise over the water, but as soon as I opened the car door I knew it was a mistake. It was stinking hot, even by 6am, and I mean stinking; that awful smell rockpools get when the tide hasn’t cleared them out. I decided to walk around Gordon’s Bay to Coogee, as I’d never done that walk before, but I only made it to the end of Gordon’s Bay, and even then only just. I felt like such a failure! (this feeling enhanced by the endless parade of joggers who kept gliding past me) I am so unfit, but I am shocked to think a few flights of stairs and a steep incline would wipe me out so. I went to mum’s and had a swim, which is much more my kind of exercise because you stay cool and you don’t get all red and sweaty.

but the day has been really strange after such an odd start. it’s felt pretty much as I have done these whole holidays, a bit adrift, a bit vague, aimless, unable to focus on anything. I met up with Jake and Jackie for a cup of tea and some toast mid-morning, and we were all a bit quiet and wilted by the humidity. Jake goes back to England today, and Jackie goes back to Canberra, so that may have also contributed to the slightly deflated atmosphere the three of us generated. i went home but my flat was stifling, so i spent the rest of the day reading Ship of Destiny at mum’s in the air conditioning. I think my flatmate is starting to wonder whether I exist, as I’ve been at mum’s so much these holidays and hardly seen Ali.

I know I needed this time to just do nothing and try and recharge my worn-out batteries. I’m so lucky to have been able to take such a big slab of time off, and I have to get over the feeling that I’m supposed to be doing something. i must say, though, i have greatly enjoyed the luxury of being able to just read whatever i like as much as i want. i realise how rarely i get to do that these days.

now if only we could have a nice, heavy rainfall to clear out some of this mugginess, and allow me to sleep past 5.45am, i'll be a happy little chickie.

newbies

so here we are in a new year.

new year's eve was fun and had a fairly low-key, family-oriented flavour to it. we had a party at mum's with lots of people, mainly from church, and quite a few kids which was actually kinda nice. at mum's you get a view over moore park golf course to the city, so you can see all the fireworks in their various synchronised firings around the harbour (above the buildings, though - and that damn horizon building is smack bang in the middle of it, but anyway). the 9.00 ones were great of course, and the toddlers were awake for those - very very cute. we didn't have a radio, so i put the hallelujah chorus on really loud and as nathaniel stared out at the fireworks he exclaimed, "this the the place where i can hear the choir!" a group of us went into mum's room and played a bizarre yet completely addictive German card game called 'bohnanza' (it involves bean fields and gold pieces...guess you had to be there). the midnight fireworks were beautiful, and i was surprised that although i had plenty of champagne and i managed to get to the new year relatively sober. :)

mum and i drove nic up to port macquarie, where he's going to hang out and work for a couple of months. i was cranky with him and we had a reasonable amount of heated discussion on the way up, but it ended reasonably well that evening with us sitting by the river drinking beer and talking about movies. i love my brother so dearly, yet as mum observed, we both just cut each other to the core at every opportunity. i don't know why i'm so hard on him, or why he is so hard on me; i guess we each expect a lot of the other and those expectations are in different directions. i think being up in port macquarie will be good for him, to be out of sydney and staying with his best mate chris, someone who cares about him and appreciates him. working in hospitality he every now and again realises how shallow and fickle the relationships with his 'friends' are and he craves some reality and genuine love.

we spoiled ourselves - mum got her hair cut and coloured, and i had a lovely massage. we had an unhurried drive back, stopping off to look at things and taking the scenic routes. i've spent a lot of time with mum these holidays, even though i see her a lot anyway. it's been good to hang out at her house, where she looks after me, and it's quiet and cool and high above the world. :) it's been hard to shake off the incredible tiredness that is still hanging around me from last year. it's like my body's completely forgotten how to relax. i just want to hide out and read or watch TV and when i relate to people it's like everything's kind of fuzzy. fuzzy wuzzy. at least the heat has gone and it's raining now, my favourite weather.

so i had some new year's resolutions - and i never make them, ever. maybe i won't call them that, maybe they'll just be Things I Will Finally Get Around to Doing (TIWFGATD). they are:

• set up a budget...and stick to it


• lose some weight


• write at least one decent short story a month (this is just the initial small goal, which will hopefully kick start me into more indepth writing)


• work out what i want to achieve in my job so i don't start off the year feeling discouraged and disillusioned


• liven up the music ministry at church and think of ways to encourage and motivate the music team


• have my friends over for dinner more often

it's kind of like an all-over spring clean (except it's summer), an attempt to shake off the lethargy which seeemed to dog my heels all last year and make me feel like i was slowly sinking. but my main TIWFGATD is not to feel completely defeated if i don't achieve those things on the list! (you always need to factor in an 'out')

hope your new year was shiny.