weekend away

Just got back from the Wild Street weekend away at Port Hacking. Normally I'm a bit fearful of big church weekends away because I don't sleep well, you have to share a bathroom with half the campsite (slight exaggeration) and I just get exhausted and overwhelmed by all the people. Well those things all happened this weekend, but it was also really, really good.

Peter Jensen spoke to us on the topic of the Holy Spirit, and it was a real treat to have him and his wife Christine giving their time to us so generously. I was greatly encouraged and comforted to remember that although we humans have many problems - we're ignorant, lost, selfish and self-willed - God loves us. He loves us so much that he sent Jesus to take on our punishment, and gave us the Spirit to work in us day by day, helping us to become the people he made us to be and reminding us that we no longer need to fear condemnation. All we have to do to receive his promise - that we will be with him in eternity - is to trust.

The point that really struck me (made me cry and rejoice at the same time) was Peter saying the Holy Spirit's work is to assure me of God's love for me, because I've been saved by faith not works. Sometimes our consciences speak louder to us than the cross and we obsess over what we have and haven't done, that maybe we're not good enough, or we've ruined our chance for salvation. But the Holy Spirit applies the gospel to our consciences to give us God's peace.

Peter also said "you can't cleanse the conscience without the blood of Jesus", then quoted that wonderful verse from Rock of Ages:

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to your cross I cling.
Naked, come to thee for dress
Helpless, look to thee for grace
Foul, I to the fountain fly
Wash me Saviour or I die.

I was leading singing for the whole weekend too (though we didn't sing that song), and I think people enjoyed the music. Paul K made a good selection of songs, and people were singing with great gusto, which is always a good sign.

The other thing that Peter said was never give up praying for people you know and love to come to or come back to the Lord. While they are alive, it's never too late for God to save someone. It renewed my conviction to pray for a few people in my life.

I had some good chats, prayed with people, got to know some people better, cried a little, laughed a lot. It brought home to me that, flawed and sinful though we are, I really do love my church family. I was talking to one of the girls about how I hadn't been sure whether I should change churches when we moved to South Hurstville and she said she was really glad that I hadn't because she loved being at church with me. How nice is that?!

We also dressed up on the Saturday night for spy-themed trivia. I'm not sure any spy worth her salt would wear a pink wig, but I was going for...I don't know, a manga French theme or something?

I need thee every hour

As I got dressed this morning, I sang along to this hymn and I've long thought how good it is...why don't we sing it at church? Hmm. People are scared of thees and thous.

But I love what it says. I do need Jesus every hour.

I so love the Chelsea Moon & Franz Brothers style of music too.

I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like thine can peace afford.

I need thee every hour, stay thou nearby;
Temptations lose their pow’r when thou art nigh.

I need thee, oh, I need thee;
Every hour I need thee;
I need thee, oh, I need thee;
Every hour I need thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to thee, I need thee.

I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need thee every hour; teach me thy will;
And thy rich promises in me fulfil.

I need thee, oh, I need thee;
Every hour I need thee;
I need thee, oh, I need thee;
Every hour I need thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to thee, I need thee.

Words by Annie S. Hawks, 1835-1918

Public domain

Two days of Oxygen

Oxygen is a big conference run by KCC at Australian Technology Park, with the tagline "fuel your passion for Christian ministry". There is a fantastic lineup of speakers, workshop leaders and musicians. It's so encouraging to be in a room full of people involved in ministry of some sort. Exhausting, but encouraging.

The thing that really gets me feeling good is singing with thousands of people. Our church is a small one and no matter how passionately people sing (which isn't always very passionate), you're never going to get that quality of sound that thousands of voices raised in praise generate.

I may write my notes up more fully - actually I was only really taking notes in the music ministry electives with Bob Kauflin. I don't have the energy to do that right now but I know some people who read this blog aren't on Twitter so thought I'd repost my tweets here so you can see what I've been hearing the last two days.

Tweets about "#oxygen14 from:becjee"

The main talks will be available to stream for free on the KCC app - as well as plenty of other talks from other KCC conferences. The ones I've heard so far are great and I have no doubt the rest of the week will be just as edifying. I won't be there tomorrow, sadly, as I have too much work on and am just too exhausted. But I hope to go back on Thursday to hear the last talk.

Standing firm

Today at church I was encouraged by the sermon from Ephesians 6. It was about  standing firm in the truth that we know, and putting on the armour of God so that we can withstand whatever Satan throws at us. 

I was just as moved by the songs we sang (great choices JG), which reflected the point of the teaching perfectly. They are songs we've sung zillions of times and are almost overfamiliar. But I think some time of not being on the music team and being able to just turn up to church, sit and listen, has meant that I am being refreshed, and re-learning things that perhaps I was taking for granted. 

Through many dangers, toils and snares

 I have already come 

 Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, 

 and grace will lead me home.

Amazing Grace, John Newton

The only way I can stand with any confidence in life is because of God's grace. The only way I will get to the end and still be standing firm is because of God's grace. There is no way I could do this on my own, to try to live a godly life. I am weak willed and too easily swayed and my instinct is to run or crumble at the first sign of trouble. It's all grace, changing my desires, pointing me back to God, showing me what he has already brought me through and helping me trust that he will continue to bring me through the dangers, toils and snares. 

There in the ground his body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious day

Up from the grave he rose again

And as he stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am his, and he is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ. 

In Christ alone, Stuart Townend and Keith Getty

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me! It's not going to win! Not because of anything I do, but because of what Jesus has done. As the next verse triumphantly proclaims: "No guilt in life, no fear in death - this is the power of Christ in me." I can't adequately describe what comfort these words bring!

We're always going to stuff up, until the day we die. None of us can do enough to be right with God. Nothing we do takes God by surprise. How incredible then that despite all that he sent Jesus to make it right! How incredible that I can be confident that nothing will separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:39)

To paraphrase Newton: "I am a great sinner and Christ is a great saviour". Understanding that makes all the difference. 

busy bee

Well I've been busy, sewing purses and bags and making bath salts and things in jars for the market. I really hope lots of people come and it all goes well - we only have eight stalls, as that's what we got insurance for, but I'm confident that the quality of what is on all the stalls will mean there is plenty for people to buy and enjoy. Also the hall can't really fit more tables than that, so if we expand we will have to go outside and into the adjoining room.

Anyway. Baby steps.

Sewing has been so great. My room is an absolute bomb site, with bits of thread and offcuts all over the floor and piles of fabric on the cutting table, but it's the mess of creativity so I don't really mind it. I guess it's my studio really, with a bed in it.

The good thing about sewing is that it keeps my mind on hold, and keeps my hands busy. I'm dealing with some stuff at the moment that is painful and sad, and although I'm feeding my brain good stuff when I read my Bible or listen to people like Tim Keller speak, sometimes my brain needs to just rest. But if I'm not doing something, unhelpful thoughts just whirl around and get me nowhere.

So sewing it is. And Psych. It's silly and mildly amusing and I don't have to devote much attention to it, so can just have it on in the background.

My current favourite verses are Lamentations 3:22-25:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.

It's okay to be a single woman and own a cat

I helped out at youth group on Friday night, and talk was all about relationships. I helped Anna with the year 8 girls and we all had a really good, open, frank chat. There was a lot of silliness and noise and giggling of course, but some good questions in there too. And they actually wanted to hear from us about what we thought and what the Bible said about relationships. I don’t know if they were ready to accept what we told them, but they were curious all the same. That's a start.

They were horrified by the thought that it was possible they might not ever get married though. The whole ‘how far can you go before marriage’ with sex thing was of course a big topic, but the idea that 'you might never get married and that’s okay' was really revolutionary to them. “But I’d be so lonely!” “But I don’t want to end up a crazy cat lady!” (honestly, how does that idea keep getting perpetuated? Anna and I both said at the same time “Hey - cats are awesome!”) “But…but that’s horrible!”

They hadn’t realised I was single and their eyes grew wide when I revealed this fact. So it was probably helpful having Anna (who is married) and me (who isn’t) answering their questions, because we could talk about it from both perspectives. I tried to make it clear that it was sometimes a struggle, but that when you love God the most and you are trying to live his way, you trust that he has the best in mind for you. So you trust that if he says ‘no’ or just doesn’t bring anyone suitable along, even though it hurts, that it must be the best for you at that point in time. He knows much more than we do, and he knows the plan for our lives. 

[I remember being that age and just assuming that marriage was in my future, so I’m not surprised they think the same way. I had no theology of relationships; there wasn't any discussion about that sort of thing that I can recall at our church. The only examples I had were my parents' dissolving marriage and the movies and TV I voraciously consumed. I think as a teenager my plan for my life was that I'd just have fun for a while, then when I was ready, somehow the perfect guy would just turn up in my life, we'd get married, and probably live in a vast but tastefully decorated loft apartment in New York, where I would write best selling novels and he would, I don't know, be amazing or something. Clearly God is using a different map than I am.]

So we talked about the lies in pop culture that tell them that there is such a thing as a soul mate, that we need to keep looking for that one perfect person, that you need to ‘try before you buy’, that you are somehow less of a human if you haven’t had sex, that you can only be happy in life if you have satisfied your every sexual desire - and how it’s really difficult to have a different mindset to that. Rom coms are deceptively convincing sometimes. But really if you do relationships God’s way, then it doesn’t matter if you haven’t had sex before you get married to see whether you have the best sex in the world with that person; your spouse becomes your ‘best’, your spouse becomes your paragon. And you're not comparing him or her to someone else, or worrying that you don't measure up to their previous partners.

Don’t think that we made it out to be all wine and roses. I did emphasise that just because the people involved are Christians doesn’t guarantee a relationship’s success. Plenty of non Christians have happy, lifelong marriages, and plenty of Christians have damaged, unhealthy marriages that sadly end in divorce (and vice versa of course). We are all broken, sinful humans, and if you put two broken, sinful humans together there are going to be problems no matter how high you aim. 

But if you both go into a relationship looking to God for guidance and looking at his blueprint for relationships to guide you, then you are more likely to honour him and each other, than if you’re going into a relationship purely to satisfy yourself. (Today George linked to a helpful blog post that articulates this really well: Marriage isn't for you)

I’ve been reflecting on that evening's conversation over the weekend and hoping the girls don’t think we’ve got it all together (though they probably do, if I recall how I thought of teachers as a teenager). Because although I believe everything I told them, and I really want to live that way, sometimes I stuff up monumentally. I make poor choices. I want things that God doesn’t want me to have. I’m upset that relationships don’t work out the way I want. And yet, it’s true, I do trust him. I guess that’s the point; if I ultimately come back to seeing his way as right and letting him guide me, that’s what matters.

And life's not over yet.

Spiritual reinforcements

Photo by Kayaker1204 on Flickr

So after that last sad post, I cried, and probably grieved my poor mum who is the one who sees me like this most often, and she hugged me and listened to my blubbering and gently reminded me to look to God.

So I went to my email and read today's WordLive notes on Isaiah 48:12-22.

God wants us to know about him, about his plans, his promises, his character. He wants us to know about life and how to live it well (v 17). Every day we face the question: ‘Will I look to God to learn how to live my life today?’ When we stop listening to God we shut ourselves out from his peace (v 18).

And just as I was writing this post, my first daily devotion from Mars Hill Church came in (I only signed up to it yesterday) with some absolute gold from Charles Spurgeon, reflecting on 1 Peter 5:10:

Seek, O believer, that every good thing you have may be an abiding thing. May your character not be a writing upon the sand, but an inscription upon the rock! May your faith be no “baseless fabric of a vision,” but may it be built of material able to endure that awful fire which shall consume the wood, hay, and stubble of the hypocrite. May you be rooted and grounded in love. May your convictions be deep, your love real, your desires earnest. May your whole life be so settled and established, that all the blasts of hell, and all the storms of earth shall never be able to remove you.

But notice how this blessing of being established in the faith is gained. The apostle’s words point us to suffering as the means employed—“After you have suffered a little while.” It is of no use to hope that we shall be well rooted if no rough winds pass over us. Those old gnarlings on the root of the oak tree, those strange twistings of the branches—all tell of the many storms that have swept over it, and they are also indicators of the depth into which the roots have forced their way. So the Christian is made strong, and firmly rooted by all the trials and storms of life.

Shrink not then from the tempestuous winds of trial, but take comfort, believing that by their rough discipline God is fulfilling this benediction to you.

This is why I heartily recommend subscribing to things like WordLive, Mars Hill and the Bible Society's Daily Bible that send you Bible verses and notes (there are others out there too, but those are the ones I use). Getting spiritual reinforcements throughout the day to help you battle those dark forces is just such a gift - sadly I often neglect to go there when I'm in the bottom of the pit, even though I know that's where to find peace. It's good to have a constant stream of truth coming at me, even when I'm not seeking it.

Edit to add:
Also have had plenty of spiritual reinforcement from wonderful friends who read that last post and prayed for me. Thank you dear ones! What a blessing to be part of such a family.

A God who weeps

Working at home today. Feeling sad. Wondering why things happen the way they do. Wondering why God has made me to have this weight of sadness that I carry around everywhere. Wondering why I make certain foolish decisions and then am upset with the outcome and consequences.

And my WordLive daily Bible email always seems to arrive just at the right time. Do read it, today's is really good.

It's about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, but focusing on Jesus' response to the suffering that grieved his friends and his God. Jesus wept (side note: John 11:35 is the shortest verse in the Bible. I wonder if those two words were given their own verse number to highlight this very point about Jesus' empathy and love and the very perfect blend of humanity and divinity in that response? I don't know anything about how the verses were allocated though, so maybe not).

The biggest encouragement and perhaps answer to my feelings in the first paragraph come at the end of the study:

...we realise that somehow the pathway through terrible sorrow is necessary, so that God may finally be glorified by our deliverance. And Jesus weeps with us on that way, until the moment when ‘the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God, and those who hear will live’ (John 5:25)! 

Jesus’ action with Lazarus – and Lazarus’ action in response! – mirrors that promise in John 5. What a glorious hope to have! In the meantime, we cannot do better than Mary, whose customary posture, it seems, is at Jesus’ feet (v 32). See how she is described in Luke 10:39 and in John 12:3, as well as here (and possibly also in Luke 7:38). Here she brings to his feet her great sorrow, stored up and then poured out with honesty.

That's where I should be looking for solace. And tears are okay. He understands.

[image source]

You gotta have friends

Sometimes I get into that conversation with people where they grumble about being involved in church, and don't see why gathering together as Christians is important. Or they trot out that old chestnut - "My faith is private. I don't need to go to a building and be told what to think by some guy in a dress."

A little like an ogre who wants to be left alone.

(Am I saying Christians are like Donkey? Hm. Let's not stretch that analogy too far.)

Church is way more than just going to a building and being talked at (and our pastors don't wear dresses...at least not in the service that I go to!). Being part of a community of people who love and serve one another is amazing, when it works. And the only way we have the desire to serve one another (instead of seeing church as another facet of our culture that we can consume, that is there to serve me) is because the Holy Spirit gives us that desire. If we walk in step with him, we start to want what he wants (Galatians 5:16-26).

I was listening to Mark Driscoll speak on Acts this morning on the way to work. Acts is a great picture of the early church, and how gathering together was so important for growing in the faith. I was reminded of the truth that we need to gather together in church, in small groups, as Christian friends, not just for our own edification, but mainly for the other people. We encourage one another, lift each other up when we're down, keep speaking the truth to one another - and it's important to do the relational groundwork before you get into crisis mode.

Oh I'll just quote what Driscoll said, because he put it so well.

Peter and John get out of prison. They run to their friends. And here’s the truth: it was a good thing they had their friends before their tragedy struck. And their tragedy was they just got out of jail. Might I encourage you to have Christian friends before your tragedy comes, before your trial comes, before your troubles come.

What I find at Mars Hill is oftentimes people will ignore Christian community, they won’t get involved in a Community Group, they won’t pursue church membership, they won’t get in relational connection with God’s people, and then something happens. It could be something good. “Hey, we’re getting married. We need premarital counseling,” you know? It could be something bad. “I got cancer.” “We’re getting divorced,” or whatever. “I lost my job.” And then people run into the church, and they want to microwave relationships. “Give me, just, close friends whom I can totally trust and lean on, and they can do the same for me, and I’d like them all today.”

I would just beg you, because I love you and I want good for you, to pursue Christian friendship before it’s seemingly an urgent need. And the question is not just, “Who can you lean on?” but “Who can lean on you?” Who are you a friend to? Who are you inviting, saying, “You know, if you need me, call me. I’m checking in. I’m praying. I love you. I’m concerned for you. I want to be here for you. I’m part of your life. You can depend on me.” And when we think of community, what we often think of is people I can use to make my life better. That’s not the Christian concept. The Christian concept is people I can serve and love because Jesus loves them.

Mark Driscoll, Empowered by the Spirit to pray - Mars Hill Church, July 21 2013

I have benefited greatly from some strong Christian friendships in recent months, and I hope that when my friends need love and support I will be there for them too (I intend to be!). It can be hard work to put in the time when you feel like hiding away and not engaging with people. But it is really worth it. And that's what it means to be part of God's people.

living and active word

I read Stephen Fry's sad but honest description of his depression just now. His feelings of loneliness in the midst of a crowd of wonderful people are probably familiar to many of you who struggle with depression. I know exactly what he means when he says that even though he feels lonely, "[t]he strange thing is, if you see me in the street and engage in conversation I will probably freeze into polite fear and smile inanely until I can get away to be on my lonely ownsome." I've been feeling like that a lot lately, knowing it's better for me to be around people but just wanting to hide in my room.

Then I opened my email and very next thing I read was my daily WordLive email, which I'd been ignoring all morning. The first line read:

Well that was definitely a word to point me to the truth! I love it when that happens.

It doesn't mean that the feelings of loneliness, sadness and anxiety that come with depression are absent in that kind of community (far from it!), and it doesn't mean that church families are perfect, because they certainly aren't. But it does mean that God did not intend for us to be alone (even if we're severely introverted or depressed). He has created communities of people who love him, and as an outworking of that, love each other.

It would probably irritate Stephen Fry to think that something he wrote drew me closer to God. Maybe it wouldn't. I don't know.

Not all audiobooks are equal

Christian Audio has a pretty decent selection of Christian audio books (uh, hence the name). I've downloaded a few books lately because although podcasted sermons are a pretty good length for my commute (I usually get through a Tim Keller or 2/3 through a Mark Driscoll, depending on how ranty he's being), I felt like I wanted something a bit longer to think through.

What I am realising, however, is just because someone is a preacher and has written a book doesn't necessarily make them a good audiobook reader/performer/narrator. Case in point is Francis Chan and his book Crazy Love. While I'm listening to it, I think the content is great, but once I stop listening, I honestly couldn't tell you what it's about (I could say God's crazy love for us, but that would be a superficial cop out). The reason? Chan's delivery is so measured and almost monotonous at times, that my mind wanders and/or I start to get a bit sleepy, which isn't ideal. I had a brief look on youtube for footage of him preaching, and he is animated and interesting. Reading is obviously a different style of delivery to preaching, and just slows him down too much. Also he asks the listener to stop and watch various videos, or to reflect on what he's been talking about, which is harder to do while driving. So I think that one might be a better book to actually read and meditate on.

So this morning I downloaded this month's free book from Christian Audio, The Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler. Chandler doesn't read the book himself, and the person doing it has a gift for reading in an engaging way. I really enjoyed my drive today because I got to think about God's majesty and creativity. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book.

I recommend downloading it while it's free, even if you don't have time to listen to it now. You might come back to it later. Here's the trailer:

Trying to turn it around

I don't really have much to say at the moment. I mean...I have lots to say, I just (for once in my life) am not putting it all over the internet in gory detail. Just hinting at it here and there and I probably shouldn't even do that (you know, in that maddening way of tweeting or posting a passive aggressive or whingey status update with no context? I've tried not to but sometimes they slip out).

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm flat.

I have some good girl friends who love me very much. For that I am grateful, and I am grateful that I am not so fogged out that I can't see that.

I am trying to be positive about romantic relationships but, at the moment, I'm wondering why on earth anyone would be in one.

But no, it's not all negative. I trust God, even though it's hard sometimes. In some ways it shouldn't be hard, because I know he is wisdom and love and he wants nothing but good for me. But I guess my rebellious heart wants to do its own thing even though its own thing is usually not very smart.

I listened to the wonderful Jenny Salt this morning, and loved the end of her talk:

I want to be remembered as one who, by the grace of God, was able to trust in him, trust in his will for my life, and know him as my heavenly father through Jesus Christ. By his grace I want to be remembered as one who submitted to his perfect will with a thankful heart and a growing desire to serve him wherever he places me. And for the time that he has me on this earth, which is just a blink of an eye, a blip on the radar, I don't want to be spending the time wishing for something that he never wanted me to have, that was never mine to have. I don't want to waste my time with it. 

I don't want us to be thinking of ourselves as primarily single or married. I want us to be thinking about ourselves as children of God, and live for him where he has you now. There is great joy in that. And may the cry of our hearts be, in the words of Psalm 73: 'whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.'

Okay. Something positive. Here's a picture of me and Jelssie on the weekend. We had a really great Saturday! Three sisters in Christ (who all incidentally happen to be single), enjoying a wonderful autumn day, doing creative things. God has blessed us richly.

input

It's been a very long week. It seems like aeons since I wrote that last post.

I've been trying to drink in as much true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, excellent and praise-worthy stuff as I can this week. I've found that it's the only thing keeping anxiety, worry and unhelpful thoughts at bay. As such, trying to go to sleep or waking up in the middle of the night or in a quiet moment, it can be challenging because that's when it's just me and my thoughts. And I'm really, really tired and would really rather be sleeping, thank you very much.

So I'm reading psalms. Listening to more sermons by Keller. Lots and lots of Christian music. The audiobook of Kay Warren's Choose Joy, which I had downloaded a while ago when it was free on Christian Audio but hadn't actually listened to. It took me a while to get used to Warren's delivery style (fast, upbeat, earnest American), but it's been very helpful and I'm grateful to Jess K for having recommended it. Though listening to it in the light of her son's recent suicide is particularly heartbreaking and poignant and prompts me to pray that she is able to cling to those truths she has written about.

Brokenness Aside by All Sons and Daughters has long been a favourite when feeling down, but has definitely been a help lately.

Also West Coast Revival's version of All creatures of our God and King (well basically the whole EP) has been on high rotation. I recommend it; you can listen to it below. It's got a triumph to it that I love and reminds me that my chief purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever (as the girls and I discussed at growth group the other night).

Rejoice in The Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice!

At staff retreat this week I was asked to do a devotion on whatever Bible passage I wanted. I picked my favourite bit of scripture, Philippians 4:4-9:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Don't worry about anything but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable -- if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise -- dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you. (HCSB)

I talked mostly about how rejoicing isn't a command to be happy. Joy in the Lord is something deeper, richer, more grounded than mere happiness. You can be joyful in the midst of great sorrow and suffering when your hope is in God, when your hope is secure that one day all of this will pass and we will be with God and he will wipe every tear from our eyes. And that peace really is beyond all human understanding. Joy in suffering? It makes no sense without God.

Today on my drive to work I listened to the latest Tim Keller sermon in my podcast queue, titled Peace - overcoming anxiety and it was just on this passage. There's so much gold in it. Obviously it's something I really need to dwell on at the moment. My energy reserves are nearing the bottom of the barrel, and so my emotions are scraping along, raw and rough. I'm just exhausted and crying a lot, for no discernible reason. I hate, hate, hate depression and just long for Christ to return and set this world to rights, to get rid of sickness and decay and our warped view of reality. This bizarre view that tells me all sorts of negative things about myself and has me believing them.

Keller talks about the fact that when we're anxious or worried (or depressed, for that matter) we can either listen to our hearts or talk to our hearts, which is something I know but so easily forget:

Now there's two things you can do with your heart [when you're anxious]. You can sit and listen to your heart and go 'nnnnhhh nnnnhhh', or you can talk to your heart. In Psalm 42 you can see exactly what happens. David, in Psalm 42, is depressed and he says 'why art thou cast down, O my soul?' Who's he talking to? Himself, he's talking to his soul...What he's doing is instead of listening to his heart, he's talking to it. He's saying 'Think about this, think about this, think about this. Don't forget this. Don't forget that. Don't forget who it is that made you. Don't forget who it is that saved you. Think!' Worry is listening to your heart. Peace comes from talking to your heart. It comes from telling your heart what? Not just talking in general, and not just saying 'hey, I heard a funny story'. Peace comes from talking to your heart about who you are in Christ.

He also talks about our enemy - not just the world, the flesh or the devil, but all three working together with the prime goal of destroying our peace and joy by attacking our assurance of our salvation. "They're trying to get you to look more at your sins than your saviour." The enemy will always try to keep us away from the gospel. Just yesterday I was feeling terrible and part of me was saying "Just read your Bible" and yet it was so hard to actually sit down and do it. And what do you know? Just sitting there, reading the Bible and praying for 10 minutes and the weight started to lift. Speaking truth to myself just healed so much of the blackness...and yet when I'm feeling down I will do anything but read God's word.

The sermon is worth a listen.

The world, the flesh and the devil are after you. But everything's fine if you have the right expectations. Don't be upset that you're upset. Don't be down that you're down. Jesus was constantly a man of sorrows and weeping. All the great Christians were constantly wrestling with these things. And frankly, you're going to get back into your joy and you're going to get back into your peace faster if you're not so bummed out by the fact that you don't have it right now. For every one look at your sin, take five looks at your saviour. The noble, the pure, think of these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

a long Les Mis ramble

Just saw Les Misérables. Want to write my thoughts down without reading reviews (and then go and read reviews and see whether I agree). I've managed to stay away from most of the reviews, except for people saying that they loved it or otherwise on Facebook. Sometimes I don't mind review spoilers, but for this one I wanted to make up my own mind.

So, some background...


Musical theatre is one of those weird things that you can get fully absorbed in when you're young without really understanding anything about the story. All you care about are the big, standout songs and the romance of it all. For some adults, that's also as far as their appreciation goes (if that wasn't the case there would be fewer singers with show off albums featuring Andrew Lloyd Webber songs).

As a teenager, I loved Les Mis.  I had had passing passions for embarrassing boy bands and the like, but with Les Mis, it was love. The drama! The passion! The music! The endless opportunities to pretend to be a lovelorn waif in front of the mirror while blasting the Complete Symphonic Recording (no abridged highlights for me)!

From the dog-earedness, I obviously had a good crack at it

I even tried to read Victor Hugo's book. I tried. It was long, okay? Blah blah blah, political stuff, blah...It only really starts to get interesting when we meet Cosette in the inn, and even after that I skipped a lot. (I just found a card that was inside my copy of the book - I was in year 8 when I tried to read it...I should probably give it another go!)

As far as the musical went, Act 2 was where it was at. Jean Valjean...yeah okay, he was important. But Fantine? Boring. I dreamed a dream? Bor. Ing. I guess Lovely ladies was kind of a fun song...but  I realised that, being about prostitution and all, I probably shouldn't sing it too loudly. But Act 2 with the Cosette-Marius-Eponine love triangle and the angst and the dying in the rain, that was where it was at!

Ah. Adolescence. What a deep, well-rounded, thoughtful human being I was.

In preparation for the film (yes, I needed to prepare, so what?), I listened to the complete soundtrack a couple of times. I hadn't listened to it for a long, long time and a lot of what I loved came flooding back. But what surprised me was enjoying it on a whole new level. Relishing the themes of grace and redemption, understanding Fantine's story and feeling her sorrow, being interested in the stories of Valjean and Javert and - shock! - finding the love triangle stuff a bit tiresome.

It was like I had grown or something.

And now, finally, onto the movie...

I was very excited to sit in the cinema tonight (with over 100 other people who had all bought tickets to raise money for Anglicare - awesome!), even if the lady next to me kept making obvious remarks (such as "oh that was silly" when Valjean steals the church's silver), and even if a kid down the front said, horrified "what? It's a musical?" as it started.

I really enjoyed it. The production design is very well done. The casting is mostly good -  even if some of the actors' singing voices weren't super powerful, they made up for it by, well, acting. Yes, Anne Hathaway is incredible; she manages to hit the right mix of vulnerability and tenacity, but her slide into despair is just heartbreaking.

Act 1 was, by far, the strongest part of the film. I think up until we meet the Thenardiers it is absolutely spot on. And then...then it started to feel a bit like they realised it was a really long show so they needed to start trimming lines and verses of songs here and there (I guess that's where it's a downside to know the score so well). The Thenardiers were pretty disappointing and flat, surprising given that Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen are some pretty big personalities.

Act 2 felt like a bit of a mushy mess - and that was the bit I had loved the most as a teenager! Eponine - my dearly beloved Eponine - felt like more of an afterthought. The little phrases and interactions between her and Marius that show their friendship were cut, so when they sang A little fall of rain together, the intimacy was kind of weird.

It picked up again by Act 3, with the battles on the barricades and it all wrapping up. Hugh Jackman is pretty wonderful towards the end.

Overall, though, I thought it was great. Not perfect, but one director's vision of the musical.* I cried a lot. I want to see it again.

The themes of grace and redemption, the idea of a life won for God and a strong faith in him were clear. Our friend K, who recently became a Christian, came to see the movie with us and she said how she couldn't understand how anyone who wasn't a Christian could enjoy it. I told her how much I'd loved it as a teenager, but I didn't really get it (even though I thought I did), and that a lot of people probably just enjoyed the music without really thinking about it. Maybe people like the love story. Maybe people just like epic sagas. Maybe people can look at it at a distance and say "well, it was set in the 19th century, people were more religious back then" and think it has nothing to do with them.

But ultimately, it's about how none of us on earth are happy. We are all restless, all searching, all longing for things to be different. We are all longing for that day where there will be no more injustice, no more crying. We all want to be loved. We all want to be free. I think that's why the show has gone on so long and resonated with so many people; we all feel these things.

But so many are like Javert, who cannot stand grace being shown to him and would rather die than be in debt to another. So many think they can bring about heaven on earth through success, money, social change. But it is only through accepting God's gift of love and grace - his son Jesus dying to pay our debt - that we will ever join him in his kingdom, that place where chains will never bind us.





* It occurred to me it's possibly like comparing the BBC Pride and Prejudice  to the 2005 Joe Wright version...both, in my opinion, excellent adaptations, but both very different.

wavering

I've never been much of a goal setter/keeper. Some people are able to set goals and then stay on track, no matter what, to reach the goal. I might set the goal, work at it for a few weeks, and then fall back into the 'who cares' state.

I'm starting to feel that with 12WBT. I'm sticking to the nutrition plans as much as I can, though finding it hard with things like church meals or being away for work. Even so, I'm managing to stay within the 1200 calorie allowance most days, and seeing the weight slowly come off. I am finding I am getting hungrier than I did at the beginning of the program, but there haven't been any major blowouts. So hurrah for that!

It's the exercise that is just not sticking for me. I joined the gym, and the times when I've gone have been great, even though mostly I find it hard to do an entire hour's workout. But days like today, when I wake up and hear the traffic screaming past the house, I just feel like retreating further into my shell. I'm not ready to get out into all that yet! Maybe I should just go back to attempting to work out in the living room on days like that.

I know they're excuses, and part of the whole 12WBT is to change your mindset, to challenge and eliminate excuses and just do it. Thing is, while the amount of content in the program is comprehensive and the videos and forums are intended to encourage and fire you up, most days they have the opposite effect on me. I feel so far away from wanting to do the work to get healthy in the way that Bridges is prescribing.

The main thing that is disturbing me is the self focus. That sounds a bit ridiculous, because the whole point of any kind of diet or fitness program is to focus on yourself. But I'm spending much more time thinking about food and fitness than I am reading my Bible. I'm thinking about body transformation much more intently than I am thinking about spiritual transformation. It just doesn't sit right with me. As a Christian, the focus is all wrong.

I want to be healthy and fit so that I have the energy and stamina to do the work God has given me to do, not as an end in itself. My best moment would not be to have a completely flat stomach and to be able to run up a hill. It will be to hear God say to me on the last day, "well done, good and faithful servant" and to know I have lived as he wanted me to.

And obsessing over weight is so counter to what he wants for me too! My self worth is not to be tied up in how I look or how the world perceives me, it is tied up in Jesus. Besides which, I have been made in the image of God, whether I'm big or small, and how can I hate that?

I am going to print 1 Timothy 4:7-8 out and stick it above my mirror:

... train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.

In the meantime, the jury is still out on what I think about 12WBT as a whole. But I'm not sure the mindset lessons are taking me where I want to go.

Life works

I said to mum last night that I think patience will be the lesson God will continue to teach me until the day I die. I'm not very good at patience.

The other one is contentment. I feel okay about material things at the moment; God has richly blessed me with a house and a good job. That is much more than many people have. But I know it takes very little to stir the discontentment, about material things, relational things, spiritual things. I don't know why it can be so hard to remember that Jesus' grace is sufficient for me (2 Cor 12:9) and that he is the source of true contentment (Phil 4:11).

I have so much, why can't I be content? Why do I always look at the thing I can't have and complain about it to the one who gives me all I need? (which makes me feel like I'm chucking a bit of a tanty, like Benny does here)

I understand the value of having a kingdom perspective on life, of always looking to that end goal, of having eternity stamped on my eyeballs, to paraphrase Jonathan Edwards. As someone said at Equip, we feel like we have to have achieved certain goals before we die, and we somehow forget that we will be fulfilled forever in the new creation. Completely fulfilled in a way that we could never be in this life, even if we did achieve everything on our lifelong to do lists. What might seem like a forever of waiting for something here is a blip when you consider eternity. And the happiness I seek here is a weak shadow compared to the richness of joy that is in heaven.

So, patience and contentment. The two great life works that God is doing in me. Very slowly, for sometimes I am a bear of little brain.

It's all about God (duh)

We've been working through the book of Job at church lately. I'm really glad we've been studying it, because I had never read the book before this year. All I knew was it was about Job and his suffering. Oh and he had some friends and an unhelpful wife.

Tonight's talk was really good, and brought it all together for me. Unsurprisingly, it's not about Job and his suffering at all. It's about God. We're so focused on ourselves and our problems (no matter how big or small) that we forget who God is. We question God when things don't turn out as we want, we demand to know what he's doing. But as Dave said, "God's plans aren't senseless; they are beyond our senses." Just because we don't understand doesn't mean that God is obliged to explain his every move to us. But we need to trust, because he works all things for the good of those who love him (Rom 8:28), even if sometimes that good is wrought through pain.

I also didn't realise until it was being read aloud tonight what gorgeous poetry there is in Job. There is something transformative when Scripture is read aloud and read well. I all too easily just skim read, instead of allowing the metaphors and imagery sink into my mind. I said in my last post that CS Lewis has such a wonderful way with words, but you can't go past God's words about himself!

Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
 

“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?
Dress for action like a man;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
 

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determined its measurements—surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
when the morning stars sang together
and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
 

"Or who shut in the sea with doors
when it burst out from the womb,
when I made clouds its garment
and thick darkness its swaddling band,
and prescribed limits for it
and set bars and doors,
and said, ‘Thus far shall you come, and no farther,
and here shall your proud waves be stayed’?
 

“Have you commanded the morning since your days began,
and caused the dawn to know its place,
that it might take hold of the skirts of the earth,
and the wicked be shaken out of it?

(Job 38:1-13 ESV)

(I especially love that last image!)

You can listen to the talks on the Wild Street website.

heaven is waiting

Equip went really well yesterday. I had a really good time, both doing the drama and being at the conference. I realised the last time I was at Equip and completely freaked out was when I had first been diagnosed with depression, so I was at my lowest point and always associated that anxiety and stressed state with the conference itself. It was good to have had a break from it for a few years, but wonderful to go back and be fed and nourished by God's word (and not be freaked out by 3000 women!).

For the curious, here is how I would look as a pregnant woman:



It got a good reaction from people I knew. Especially the ones who hadn't seen me for over a year.

The talks were about heaven being our home and our destination, and how to live as we wait. I especially wanted to post something Lisa Thompson quoted in her talk, from The Last Battle by CS Lewis. As always he so lyrically and beautifully pictures profound truths.

And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.

CS Lewis, The Last Battle, Fontana Lions, p173

I'm so excited that this life is but the cover and title page of my story, of all our stories. I can't wait for the Great Story to begin in the new creation!

To live

L, a girl from my church, and I have started meeting up once a week (unless she has exams) to read the Bible. We meet at a cafe in Eastgardens, read a passage, chew over the big ideas and any questions we might have, and try and work out how to apply it in our lives (otherwise known as the Swedish method of Bible study). Then we pray about what we've discussed and any other things each of us wants prayer for.

The first thing I want to note about it is how wonderful it is that we can meet in a crowded shopping mall and do this. We can sit in public and read the Bible (on our phones) and pray aloud, and we barely even get noticed, let alone harrassed. I am so grateful that we live in a place where we can take our religious freedom for granted, compared to other places in the world.

The second thing is I am amazed at the change in me and proud of the young woman L is becoming. When I was her age, I would barely read the Bible (even though I was going to church every week), and would have been mortified to do something like pray in public. I'm grateful for the excellent Bible teaching and pastoring that people of L's age in our particular Christian circles have had. It's certainly much more robust than anything I had when I was a teenager.

And third I am so, so grateful for the living word of God. We are reading Philippians, which is probably my favourite book of the Bible. And already it has shown so much to us about living upright, godly and unafraid lives for Christ. Today we read the end of chapter one, where Paul says "for me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." It reminded us that while we are on this earth, even if life seems pointless or frustrating or hard, it is because God still has "fruitful labor" for us to do.

We also talked about heaven, and what a great party it's going to be, and why would you choose not to go there? And no matter what suffering we face here, it'll be nothing compared to how awesome heaven will be (or how awful hell will be - but thank God we don't have to go there!). We like talking about heaven. I mean that's the whole point, isn't it? To strive and work and persevere so we can get to heaven and be with Jesus. Why wouldn't we like talking about it?!