a long Les Mis ramble

Just saw Les Misérables. Want to write my thoughts down without reading reviews (and then go and read reviews and see whether I agree). I've managed to stay away from most of the reviews, except for people saying that they loved it or otherwise on Facebook. Sometimes I don't mind review spoilers, but for this one I wanted to make up my own mind.

So, some background...


Musical theatre is one of those weird things that you can get fully absorbed in when you're young without really understanding anything about the story. All you care about are the big, standout songs and the romance of it all. For some adults, that's also as far as their appreciation goes (if that wasn't the case there would be fewer singers with show off albums featuring Andrew Lloyd Webber songs).

As a teenager, I loved Les Mis.  I had had passing passions for embarrassing boy bands and the like, but with Les Mis, it was love. The drama! The passion! The music! The endless opportunities to pretend to be a lovelorn waif in front of the mirror while blasting the Complete Symphonic Recording (no abridged highlights for me)!

From the dog-earedness, I obviously had a good crack at it

I even tried to read Victor Hugo's book. I tried. It was long, okay? Blah blah blah, political stuff, blah...It only really starts to get interesting when we meet Cosette in the inn, and even after that I skipped a lot. (I just found a card that was inside my copy of the book - I was in year 8 when I tried to read it...I should probably give it another go!)

As far as the musical went, Act 2 was where it was at. Jean Valjean...yeah okay, he was important. But Fantine? Boring. I dreamed a dream? Bor. Ing. I guess Lovely ladies was kind of a fun song...but  I realised that, being about prostitution and all, I probably shouldn't sing it too loudly. But Act 2 with the Cosette-Marius-Eponine love triangle and the angst and the dying in the rain, that was where it was at!

Ah. Adolescence. What a deep, well-rounded, thoughtful human being I was.

In preparation for the film (yes, I needed to prepare, so what?), I listened to the complete soundtrack a couple of times. I hadn't listened to it for a long, long time and a lot of what I loved came flooding back. But what surprised me was enjoying it on a whole new level. Relishing the themes of grace and redemption, understanding Fantine's story and feeling her sorrow, being interested in the stories of Valjean and Javert and - shock! - finding the love triangle stuff a bit tiresome.

It was like I had grown or something.

And now, finally, onto the movie...

I was very excited to sit in the cinema tonight (with over 100 other people who had all bought tickets to raise money for Anglicare - awesome!), even if the lady next to me kept making obvious remarks (such as "oh that was silly" when Valjean steals the church's silver), and even if a kid down the front said, horrified "what? It's a musical?" as it started.

I really enjoyed it. The production design is very well done. The casting is mostly good -  even if some of the actors' singing voices weren't super powerful, they made up for it by, well, acting. Yes, Anne Hathaway is incredible; she manages to hit the right mix of vulnerability and tenacity, but her slide into despair is just heartbreaking.

Act 1 was, by far, the strongest part of the film. I think up until we meet the Thenardiers it is absolutely spot on. And then...then it started to feel a bit like they realised it was a really long show so they needed to start trimming lines and verses of songs here and there (I guess that's where it's a downside to know the score so well). The Thenardiers were pretty disappointing and flat, surprising given that Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen are some pretty big personalities.

Act 2 felt like a bit of a mushy mess - and that was the bit I had loved the most as a teenager! Eponine - my dearly beloved Eponine - felt like more of an afterthought. The little phrases and interactions between her and Marius that show their friendship were cut, so when they sang A little fall of rain together, the intimacy was kind of weird.

It picked up again by Act 3, with the battles on the barricades and it all wrapping up. Hugh Jackman is pretty wonderful towards the end.

Overall, though, I thought it was great. Not perfect, but one director's vision of the musical.* I cried a lot. I want to see it again.

The themes of grace and redemption, the idea of a life won for God and a strong faith in him were clear. Our friend K, who recently became a Christian, came to see the movie with us and she said how she couldn't understand how anyone who wasn't a Christian could enjoy it. I told her how much I'd loved it as a teenager, but I didn't really get it (even though I thought I did), and that a lot of people probably just enjoyed the music without really thinking about it. Maybe people like the love story. Maybe people just like epic sagas. Maybe people can look at it at a distance and say "well, it was set in the 19th century, people were more religious back then" and think it has nothing to do with them.

But ultimately, it's about how none of us on earth are happy. We are all restless, all searching, all longing for things to be different. We are all longing for that day where there will be no more injustice, no more crying. We all want to be loved. We all want to be free. I think that's why the show has gone on so long and resonated with so many people; we all feel these things.

But so many are like Javert, who cannot stand grace being shown to him and would rather die than be in debt to another. So many think they can bring about heaven on earth through success, money, social change. But it is only through accepting God's gift of love and grace - his son Jesus dying to pay our debt - that we will ever join him in his kingdom, that place where chains will never bind us.





* It occurred to me it's possibly like comparing the BBC Pride and Prejudice  to the 2005 Joe Wright version...both, in my opinion, excellent adaptations, but both very different.

wavering

I've never been much of a goal setter/keeper. Some people are able to set goals and then stay on track, no matter what, to reach the goal. I might set the goal, work at it for a few weeks, and then fall back into the 'who cares' state.

I'm starting to feel that with 12WBT. I'm sticking to the nutrition plans as much as I can, though finding it hard with things like church meals or being away for work. Even so, I'm managing to stay within the 1200 calorie allowance most days, and seeing the weight slowly come off. I am finding I am getting hungrier than I did at the beginning of the program, but there haven't been any major blowouts. So hurrah for that!

It's the exercise that is just not sticking for me. I joined the gym, and the times when I've gone have been great, even though mostly I find it hard to do an entire hour's workout. But days like today, when I wake up and hear the traffic screaming past the house, I just feel like retreating further into my shell. I'm not ready to get out into all that yet! Maybe I should just go back to attempting to work out in the living room on days like that.

I know they're excuses, and part of the whole 12WBT is to change your mindset, to challenge and eliminate excuses and just do it. Thing is, while the amount of content in the program is comprehensive and the videos and forums are intended to encourage and fire you up, most days they have the opposite effect on me. I feel so far away from wanting to do the work to get healthy in the way that Bridges is prescribing.

The main thing that is disturbing me is the self focus. That sounds a bit ridiculous, because the whole point of any kind of diet or fitness program is to focus on yourself. But I'm spending much more time thinking about food and fitness than I am reading my Bible. I'm thinking about body transformation much more intently than I am thinking about spiritual transformation. It just doesn't sit right with me. As a Christian, the focus is all wrong.

I want to be healthy and fit so that I have the energy and stamina to do the work God has given me to do, not as an end in itself. My best moment would not be to have a completely flat stomach and to be able to run up a hill. It will be to hear God say to me on the last day, "well done, good and faithful servant" and to know I have lived as he wanted me to.

And obsessing over weight is so counter to what he wants for me too! My self worth is not to be tied up in how I look or how the world perceives me, it is tied up in Jesus. Besides which, I have been made in the image of God, whether I'm big or small, and how can I hate that?

I am going to print 1 Timothy 4:7-8 out and stick it above my mirror:

... train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.

In the meantime, the jury is still out on what I think about 12WBT as a whole. But I'm not sure the mindset lessons are taking me where I want to go.

Life works

I said to mum last night that I think patience will be the lesson God will continue to teach me until the day I die. I'm not very good at patience.

The other one is contentment. I feel okay about material things at the moment; God has richly blessed me with a house and a good job. That is much more than many people have. But I know it takes very little to stir the discontentment, about material things, relational things, spiritual things. I don't know why it can be so hard to remember that Jesus' grace is sufficient for me (2 Cor 12:9) and that he is the source of true contentment (Phil 4:11).

I have so much, why can't I be content? Why do I always look at the thing I can't have and complain about it to the one who gives me all I need? (which makes me feel like I'm chucking a bit of a tanty, like Benny does here)

I understand the value of having a kingdom perspective on life, of always looking to that end goal, of having eternity stamped on my eyeballs, to paraphrase Jonathan Edwards. As someone said at Equip, we feel like we have to have achieved certain goals before we die, and we somehow forget that we will be fulfilled forever in the new creation. Completely fulfilled in a way that we could never be in this life, even if we did achieve everything on our lifelong to do lists. What might seem like a forever of waiting for something here is a blip when you consider eternity. And the happiness I seek here is a weak shadow compared to the richness of joy that is in heaven.

So, patience and contentment. The two great life works that God is doing in me. Very slowly, for sometimes I am a bear of little brain.

It's all about God (duh)

We've been working through the book of Job at church lately. I'm really glad we've been studying it, because I had never read the book before this year. All I knew was it was about Job and his suffering. Oh and he had some friends and an unhelpful wife.

Tonight's talk was really good, and brought it all together for me. Unsurprisingly, it's not about Job and his suffering at all. It's about God. We're so focused on ourselves and our problems (no matter how big or small) that we forget who God is. We question God when things don't turn out as we want, we demand to know what he's doing. But as Dave said, "God's plans aren't senseless; they are beyond our senses." Just because we don't understand doesn't mean that God is obliged to explain his every move to us. But we need to trust, because he works all things for the good of those who love him (Rom 8:28), even if sometimes that good is wrought through pain.

I also didn't realise until it was being read aloud tonight what gorgeous poetry there is in Job. There is something transformative when Scripture is read aloud and read well. I all too easily just skim read, instead of allowing the metaphors and imagery sink into my mind. I said in my last post that CS Lewis has such a wonderful way with words, but you can't go past God's words about himself!

Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
 

“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?
Dress for action like a man;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
 

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determined its measurements—surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
when the morning stars sang together
and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
 

"Or who shut in the sea with doors
when it burst out from the womb,
when I made clouds its garment
and thick darkness its swaddling band,
and prescribed limits for it
and set bars and doors,
and said, ‘Thus far shall you come, and no farther,
and here shall your proud waves be stayed’?
 

“Have you commanded the morning since your days began,
and caused the dawn to know its place,
that it might take hold of the skirts of the earth,
and the wicked be shaken out of it?

(Job 38:1-13 ESV)

(I especially love that last image!)

You can listen to the talks on the Wild Street website.

heaven is waiting

Equip went really well yesterday. I had a really good time, both doing the drama and being at the conference. I realised the last time I was at Equip and completely freaked out was when I had first been diagnosed with depression, so I was at my lowest point and always associated that anxiety and stressed state with the conference itself. It was good to have had a break from it for a few years, but wonderful to go back and be fed and nourished by God's word (and not be freaked out by 3000 women!).

For the curious, here is how I would look as a pregnant woman:



It got a good reaction from people I knew. Especially the ones who hadn't seen me for over a year.

The talks were about heaven being our home and our destination, and how to live as we wait. I especially wanted to post something Lisa Thompson quoted in her talk, from The Last Battle by CS Lewis. As always he so lyrically and beautifully pictures profound truths.

And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.

CS Lewis, The Last Battle, Fontana Lions, p173

I'm so excited that this life is but the cover and title page of my story, of all our stories. I can't wait for the Great Story to begin in the new creation!

To live

L, a girl from my church, and I have started meeting up once a week (unless she has exams) to read the Bible. We meet at a cafe in Eastgardens, read a passage, chew over the big ideas and any questions we might have, and try and work out how to apply it in our lives (otherwise known as the Swedish method of Bible study). Then we pray about what we've discussed and any other things each of us wants prayer for.

The first thing I want to note about it is how wonderful it is that we can meet in a crowded shopping mall and do this. We can sit in public and read the Bible (on our phones) and pray aloud, and we barely even get noticed, let alone harrassed. I am so grateful that we live in a place where we can take our religious freedom for granted, compared to other places in the world.

The second thing is I am amazed at the change in me and proud of the young woman L is becoming. When I was her age, I would barely read the Bible (even though I was going to church every week), and would have been mortified to do something like pray in public. I'm grateful for the excellent Bible teaching and pastoring that people of L's age in our particular Christian circles have had. It's certainly much more robust than anything I had when I was a teenager.

And third I am so, so grateful for the living word of God. We are reading Philippians, which is probably my favourite book of the Bible. And already it has shown so much to us about living upright, godly and unafraid lives for Christ. Today we read the end of chapter one, where Paul says "for me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." It reminded us that while we are on this earth, even if life seems pointless or frustrating or hard, it is because God still has "fruitful labor" for us to do.

We also talked about heaven, and what a great party it's going to be, and why would you choose not to go there? And no matter what suffering we face here, it'll be nothing compared to how awesome heaven will be (or how awful hell will be - but thank God we don't have to go there!). We like talking about heaven. I mean that's the whole point, isn't it? To strive and work and persevere so we can get to heaven and be with Jesus. Why wouldn't we like talking about it?!

My real home

Since we set about all this house buying stuff I've been thinking about milestones in life, or things that you do or don't get, or achieve, in life. I once was part of a writing group with a girl who was determined to publish a book before she was 20 because she had been reading articles lauding the next up and coming writers under 20 - unsurprisingly, with that as her motivation, rather than wanting to tell a good story, she didn't get very far.

Sometimes we feel that we've missed out on this or that because of what the world tells us we should have achieved by a certain time. Whether it's relationships or career or house buying or having kids or whatever, we all too easily judge ourselves by the world's yardsticks and what other people think rather than what God thinks.

Rod preached an excellent sermon yesterday on Luke 17-18 and it reminded me that being ready for the day Jesus returns should be my only priority. That doesn't mean sitting around and twiddling my thumbs while I wait, but it means that thinking about and striving for God's kingdom are the things that matter, and pleasing and glorifying God are the goals of my life. It's a perspective that is easy to lose, but one I really want to keep, for it to be my default, not something I have to keep struggling to get back. Rod ended by saying the way we do this, the way we persevere is to always pray and not lose heart (Luke 18:1). It's easy to lose heart and perspective if we try to go it alone.

No matter what does or doesn't happen in my life, I know where I'm heading. Bring on the day.

making music

So we made a CD!

I think everyone was surprised that I actually managed to keep it a secret, given how much I go on about every tiny little detail that crosses my mind. But Lachy and I decided to pool our collective talents and make a Christmas CD. He had written a couple of Christmas songs a couple of years ago, and talked about recording them for his mum as a present, but never got around to it. So we added our favourite traditional carols, mucked around with them a bit and came out with a pretty pleasing finished product. I did some nifty graphic design, we sent it all off to a secret laboratory overseas and in less than three months, voila! The Christmas Project!

[gallery link="file"]

It makes mothers and grandparents cry! You know it must be good!

We've given out a few copies as Christmas presents, but if you would like to hear previews or download it yourself it's even available on iTunes and CD Baby (the latter is where we got it made and is cheaper).

Get it now! You only have three days left until it becomes irrelevant for another 11 months!!!

(Lachy just pointed out that Jesus' birth is not irrelevant, but listening to Christmas carols out of season may not be your thing, and, indeed, may be a social faux pas.)

 

Met a sister

Worked in a new store today. One of the girls I was working with had been employed at the same time as me, and we had been at the first group interview together.

In a quiet moment, she said, "sorry, this is really out of the blue, but are you a Christian?"

"Yes..."

"it's just I remember during the interview when we were asked to say 'Sundays are for...' and you said seeing friends at church."

"oh yeah!"

"Well I'm one too! A Christian, that is."

She said she had just started going to the Village Church in Annandale, and was delighted that I knew the church and its minister, Dominic.

I remember during that interview I had felt very exposed when I was honest about my Christianity, as though it was something that just wasn't discussed in job interviews. Well, I imagine it rarely is! But how amazing that almost a year after, she not only remembered me but remembered that about me. And it seemed to encourage her.

This is why I think it's so important to wear your faith on your sleeve, so to speak. You never know who will hear it or how it will affect someone. You may never know that you encouraged someone. But I'm glad I found out that I did!

My story

I gave my testimony this morning at Ashbury, that is, the story of how I became a follower of Jesus. I got a bit teary towards the end! But at morning tea, people kept coming up to me and thanking me for telling it, and being so honest about my life. Well it's just my story, I don't know how else to tell it! But I'm really glad people found it helpful, and it's why I've always wanted to be upfront about my background, and my current situation, so that it might help others in similar situations to remember God's love for them. One guy said, "that was basically my story...only I'd never have the guts to get up and say it", and a woman said, "me and my husband have depression too, and i was just so encouraged by what you said".

So I thought i may as well share it with you too!

_______________________________

I'm Bec, and I'm working my way part time through Bible college. I've been part of the team from Moore College that's been around the church this past week, helping out, meeting people in the neighbourhood and talking about Jesus.

I know it isn't always easy to talk about Jesus, and there have been times in my life when I was embarrassed to be called one of his followers.

But back to the beginning. I grew up in a Christian home. I can't remember a time when I didn't know who Jesus was, and that he loved me. We moved around a lot in my childhood, living in PNG and Singapore and going to all sorts of different churches. It was in Singapore, when i was 11, that I decided to give my life to Christ. Wanting to make a public declaration of faith, I got baptized.

And I lived happily ever after? Well not quite. Not yet, anyway.

We moved back to Australia, and i settled into high school. We went back to the church id grown up in, but i never really felt like i fit with my peers there. And slowly but surely, church began to lose its appeal, and my interest slipped away from the things of God as I found more acceptance and fun in the more worldly pursuits of my school friends.

Sadly, by the time I started uni, my family had disintegrated and my parents divorced. It was a time of huge upheaval for my brother and me, and we started to see church and Christianity as a relic from our former family life. although I never doubted God's existence, I pushed him further and further into the back of my mind until I was barely aware he was there. Sure, if anyone asked, I said I was a Christian, but I never willingly volunteered the information and I hoped no one would actually ask.

I moved out on my own and got involved in a culture of hedonism - sex, drugs, rock n roll. I was looking for something to satisfy me, but found nothing much but dissatisfaction, loneliness and emptiness. I began to be aware that there was a God-shaped hole in my life, but try as i might, I couldn't fill it with anything. I didn't want to admit it, but living life my own way wasn't working out as well as I'd hoped it would, yet i was still too proud to turn back to God.

A long term relationship I was in dissolved, and I took it hard. This was the final prop that God removed from me, to bring me to my knees, and make me look up at him. And instead of anger and disappointment, I saw love. I saw a Father who lifted me tenderly out of the mess I'd made, and said "I've been here all along, and I never stopped loving you. There is nothing that you have done that could make me stop loving you, because Jesus has dealt with it all."

What a breathtaking, life changing realisation.

I started to go back to church. I learned that my mother had been praying hard for me all that time. God put some incredibly godly men and women in my life to help water the seeds he had sown, and he began to change and mould me.

It hasn't been a fast or easy process, and i still think God teaches and shapes me the most through suffering. For example, I've struggled with depression for a number of years, which is debilitating and kind of scary sometimes, but through it God is teaching me to trust him, to lean on him, and to find my only peace and satisfaction in him. I have no doubt now that God is the only answer and i can't wait to be with him in the new creation, where,as it says in Revelation, there will be no more suffering and no more tears.

But until then I am so grateful that he saved me from that life of despair. And now I'm not ashamed or fearful to tell people I'm a Christian, to talk about what i believe and how God is working in my life. In fact, I'm excited about it!

foggy

I wish I had positive things to write about. It's not that anything bad has happened, it's just that I'm in one of those phases where the fog is getting thicker and the positives are starting to seem very dim, even though they're still there. I'm sure it will blow over soon, but I'm struggling not to feel overwhelmed and teary all. the. time.

I feel yuck about myself. I started Weight Watchers a few weeks ago and have already lost 4.6kg - yay me! But instead of feeling invigorated, all I see in the mirror is this blobby person who will never be a healthy weight (which is so untrue). Probably sitting around in my pyjamas doesn't help.

I have been doing some design work and enjoying it and thinking that it is looking pretty good. But instead of that boosting me, it's just making me feel tired and like I won't be able to meet the upcoming deadlines because I'm already out of puff.

College and church are both great, and it is wonderful to spend so much time immersed in the word of God. And yet I still feel like a fake, like I have no right to be at college, like I'm being flaky at church.

Basically, looking at that list, what I'm doing is being waaaay too hard on myself. I can see that. I keep trying to think about how I can be less tough on myself, how I can just relax without feeling like I'm being lazy, and wondering where on earth this level of self-criticism came from. And the only thing I can say with any certainty is that God loves me. He cherishes and values me. And this season will not last forever - even if I wrestle with this depression for the rest of my life, it is but a blip from an eternal perspective.

Just got to keep looking up and clinging to the hope I have in Jesus. My Bible reading from Isaiah 35 last night helped immensely to refocus my view. What a glorious picture this is!

[box]Joy of the Redeemed

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.
Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.
The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness;
it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
No lion will be there,
nor any ravenous beast;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
and those the LORD has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.[/box]

NO-vember

Seems November is the pun month.  Many will be familiar with Movember, the period of time when normally clean shaven men get around looking highly dubious with moustaches of varying success (all supposedly in aid of raising money and awareness for men's health, though I do wonder whether all participants actually do the charity side of it).  Well Mark Barry has just coined a new one - "NO-vember" and I think I'm going to adopt it as my cause.  In fact, he just tweeted: "I've said 'no' to about 15 things this month. In retrospect, I should've asked people to sponsor me!"

For me, college has just wrapped up with exams, which has been stressful enough.  But instead of being able to rest, it's time to launch into a whole month of busyness. November/December is a stupidly busy time of year, especially so for people involved in churches.  There  are Christmas carol events, end of year celebrations, NTE conference and mission, evangelistic activities leading up to Christmas, not to mention Christmas itself.

The problem is all of these things are good to do.  I love doing graphic design for my church.  I love helping out with graphic design for a newspaper ad that will benefit a whole bunch of Eastern Suburbs churches.  I love being part of planning carols events and I love being in them.  I love working with the AFES team when they come to our church post-NTE for mission.  I love doing music ministry at church and coordinating the team (for which I am paid).  I love spending time with my Christian brothers and sisters, and I love going to church and reflecting on who Jesus is and the miracle that he came to earth as a man.  It's all wonderful stuff.

But there are still bills to pay, and Christmas always ends up expensive, no matter how much I try to stick to a budget.  And while we do gospel work we still are meant to earn our keep and not be a burden on anyone.  So I work as well.  And I'm loving my work at K.K!  And still doing transcription work on the side.  And a little bit of (paid!) graphic design for my old church.  But it doesn't leave much time for anything else.

Rest becomes a complete crash at the end of the day.  Gaps in the schedule leave me feeling guilty because there is Stuff To Be Done.  And yet we are supposed to rest!  We are supposed to have a sabbath.  Because if we grind ourselves into the ground, how on earth will we be able to keep going in the long-term?

I've already had to say no to NTE, which pains me.  I was so looking forward to going, but needed to work and it just became an impossible juggling act.  And yet I still find myself agreeing to do things, even though I shouldn't be able to fit anything else in.  I keep forgetting I need so much more rest than the average person...

So I'm going to reflect on NO-vember.  Even though it's half over.  There is still time to say no.

Change

Had my last bit of training today for k.k (which is what I shall henceforth call my place of employment).

Something that struck me was at the beginning, doing some get to know you type things, we had to turn to the person next to us and answer these questions:

• name


• star sign


• what did you want to be when you grew up?


• Sundays are for...

The girl next to me, S, was sweet, and we chatted a bit before getting down to the questions.

"I don't really know star signs," she said.  "I'm born in March, so..."

"Aries, I think.  I only know that because I had a friend in primary school who was born in March and she was an Aries.  I don't really know star signs apart from that, and that I'm a Taurus, whatever that means."

She said her Sundays were for brunch and just hanging out.  When it was my turn to answer I said Sundays were for going to church, and helping out with music at church, as I was employed as a student minister.

"Oh!" she exclaimed.  "Are you a Christian?"

"Yep."

"Me too!"

"Oh cool!"

"What church do you go to?"

"Wild St Anglican in Maroubra."

"That's great!"

We got called back to report to the group before I could find out anything more about her.  I realised she had been hesitant to say anything about her Christianity, assuming that I wouldn't be into it, or I might make preconceived judgements about her, but she was obviously excited to find someone else like her among the group.

We went around the circle and each had to tell the group what we'd learned about the person beside us.  Every single person in the group said a variation of Sundays were for waking up late, eating and just chilling out.  When S introduced me, she talked about my church involvement.  When I introduced her, I just said the bit about her hanging out and eating brunch.  I didn't think she'd want to be 'outed' by me.  But it made me realise how comfortable I am with my Christianity these days, and how intrinsic a part of my person it is, being a follower of Jesus.  I'm not ashamed to say that I spend my Sundays at church or for people to know I believe in Jesus.  But I know that when I was at uni, I would have been more like S; I would have identified as Christian if pressed, but wouldn't have willingly volunteered the information.

I like seeing how I've changed, how the Spirit has changed me.

Be still my soul

I've loved the revival of old hymns that has been happening over the last few years.  There is so much richness in those old songs!

Last night we went to hear the excellent new jazz band transit launch their eponymous album (I did briefly wonder at the wisdom of going to a gig during exam week, especially when a bunch of MTC lecturers would be present (and playing in the band), but hey, I got over it).  The band plays some original material, as well as some great old hymns reworked into jazz arrangements.  I really enjoyed their version of Be still my soul (especially Andy Vance's gorgeous piano intro, and you can't go past Sibelius's beautiful, simple melody, really), and even better I've had the lyrics floating around in my head all day, especially verse two.  They are especially good words to keep singing to myself as I study, and as we receive a letter putting our rent up, and as we hear news that my uncle had a mlid heart attack on the weekend (he's okay, by the way), and...all the news, big and small, the Lord God is in control of it all.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


 


Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.


 


Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.


 


Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.


 


Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.


 


Words: Katharina A. von Schlegel, in Neue Samm lung Geist licher Lieder, 1752 (Stille, meine Wille, dein Jesus hilft sie gen); translat ed from German to English by Jane L. Borthwick in Hymns from the Land of Luther, 1855.

Here's a traditional, boys' choir version of the hymn for your listening pleasure. It really is a beautiful piece of music.

it's all grace

My Bible reading today was Mark 3:7-19, when Jesus calls the 12 disciples.  One thing struck me as I was reading; that Jesus calls Judas Iscariot, knowing that he will eventually betray him. Judas was with Jesus from the beginning, so he saw and heard Jesus' earthly ministry first hand, and yet he didn't believe that Jesus was the Messiah, the son of God.  He was right in the thick of things, and yet ultimately couldn't see what was right in front of him.

I've been thinking people I've known in churches, or people who call themselves Christians, who are right in the thick of things and seem fully committed, and yet haven't actually 'got' it.  It hasn't clicked, they haven't understood, they take on the label of 'Christian' and they join in the community and get involved, but they haven't allowed the word of God to transform them, to change their hearts, to turn their lives around.

It's not for me to judge, by any means.  And, until Jesus returns, it's never too late for people to get it.  But I thought it interesting to realise that right from the beginning of 'church', of people gathering in Jesus' name, there have been people who looked like the real deal on the surface, but underneath were just the same as they had always been.  But that Jesus knows who we were, who we are and who we will be, and loves us anyway.

The SU notes that went with today's reading talked mainly about Simon Peter, the disciple who would go on to be the rock of the early church, but who displayed some very human stumbling and mistakes on his way there.  I've always been encouraged by Peter, because he is so real in his responses to Jesus, being broken by sin and then by the grace of God being rebuilt into the man Jesus knew he was. He is a great encouragement to persevere, to not be destroyed by missteps and failures in the Christian life, but to trust in Jesus.

I'll just quote the last para of the notes by Steve Bradbury including a cracking quote from John Newton:

Simon was no Peter, at least not yet, and it would be some time before the trust Jesus was placing in him, and the re-creative and restorative forgiveness God kept pouring into his life, made Simon into the rock that Jesus could already see.  How wonderful that we, too, can intimately know this transforming love, expressed so poignantly by the one-time slave-ship captain John Newton: 'I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be.  I am not what I hope to be in another world.  But still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am.'

Encounter with God, Scripture Union, Jul-Sep 2010, p94

How long, o Lord?

Each day is a fight, to varying degrees.  A fight for joy?  A fight to stay afloat?  A fight against this silly black dog, who I forget about even though he's always skulking along behind me.  Some days I don't notice the struggle, it's just part of the momentum of the every day.  And other days it feels like to even see beyond the next five minutes is impossible, like I'm stumbling around in fog.

I've been sick for a while with some coldish thing, got better, went away for the weekend, then got sick again.  It's been dragging on for weeks now, with headaches and nausea and aches and pains and the blah blah blah of symptoms that are so boring to describe because they are just so mundane.  They sound, even to me, like excuses, like hypochondria, like psychosomatic nothings.

But today I woke up feeling much more okay than I have for a while.  I felt like moving.  I felt like doing something.  So I did some yoga to ease back into things (not that my exercise is ever what you'd call strenuous!).  I felt great.  Had some yummy food for lunch.  I was starting to feel like just blobbing at home but no, had things to do!  I was up and energised!  I could achieve them!  I got in the car and drove to the inner west...

And then my brain kicked in.

"What are you doing? Why are you at college? Why did you think you could do this? You're only part time now, what's it going to be like when you're full time? You shouldn't be at college.  You shouldn't be at college.  You haven't even done the readings for the last couple of weeks.  You've only been to half the lectures.  You shouldn't be at college."

And on. And on. And on.

Eventually my common sense kicked in and went "hey that's the depression talking, snap out of it." So I rang my mum for a reality check, and wise as ever, she reminded me I'd been sick, run down and tired from the weekend away.  And that whenever I felt like that I had to look after myself and remember that I needed lots of rest.

But by the time I was sitting in my class at college I felt the nausea and headaches start to hit again.  I thought I could tough it out.  I mean, it's only two hours, right?  But at the mid-class break one of my friends walked past and said "Bec! You look terrible!" and I thought "right. I'm going home."

The drive home seemed to take forever.  But eventually I got home, put on my trackies, got out my Old Testament textbook and did the readings for class while in bed under my blanket.  After a couple of hours I still feel a bit blah but much better than I did.

Sometimes depression feels like a tangible enemy, to the point where I feel I can echo David's words in Psalm 13 and cry to God, wanting to know when this season of my life will end.  It's been years now!  Will I always feel like this?  Maybe, maybe not.  Will I ever have boundless energy and stamina and ability?  Maybe, maybe not (though all signs point to no...I mean who does, right?).  Does suffering depression mean that God loves me less?  Of course not!

As much as the enemy is prowling around, the closing stanza of this psalm is ever true.  May I ever trust our gracious God, and go wherever he leads me.  He'll give me what I need to do the work he wants me to do.

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

 

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,

lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”

lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

 

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.

 

(Psalm 13 ESV)

history comes alive!

I had a marvellous experience this week. I met with a group of other musical directors from other Sydney churches at St Philip's York Street. This was a lovely occasion in itself, to meet with other people who are doing the same sort of thing I'm doing at Wild Street, and to also share our experiences and knowledge and hear how others do church (for example, Bren and Ro's experiences at St Paul's Castle Hill, where they have around 1100 people attending over four services differs greatly from Huw's at St Philip's, where they have around 150 people attending over three services).

Although that fellowship was well worth the time, the highlight of the day for me was actually being shown around St Philip's, the church, and learning a bit about its history. It's a beautiful building, designed by Edmund Blacket and built between 1848 and 1856 (more about the building's history here).

[caption id="attachment_116" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="St Philip's York Street, from the bell tower gallery"][/caption]

Huw led us down to "the dungeon" - first to see the strange little choir room (a most uninspiring space for a choir but good conditions for preserving boxes and boxes of choral scores that Huw has no idea what to do with). Then we went into a little locked storage room, and Justin, the rector of the church, joined us to chat about some of the things therein.

There was a case full of impressive silverware and a wall of photos and drawings of the past ministers of St Philip's. But the things that took my fancy the most were the two books Justin brought out.



This is the King James Bible that Revered Richard Johnson brought over on the First Fleet.  He preached his first sermon from it in 1788, and continued to use it as he ministered to the new colony.  As Justin said, if you became a Christian in Australia, you could trace that heritage back to this very book.  (I'm not sure why I opened it at Job to take the picture, it just fell open there...)

And this is the prayer book he used.  Justin said "this is the only page with the splatters on it - what do you think they're from?"  The clue is in the contents of the page itself; convicts getting married would sign their marriage papers or register on the pages of the prayer book (presumably because they had no table or anywhere else to do it).  We also had a quick look at the beautiful marriage registers from the 1800s, complete with people signing their names with Xs because they were illiterate, or being given permission to marry by the government, as they had no family here to vouch for them.

It was just an amazing connection through history with people who had worked hard and preserved the gospel, bringing it on a stinking boat all the way from England to this new, alien country, because it was important to bring God's word to those who needed it.  Working alongside criminals and the dispossessed to tell them how much God loved them when nobody else did.

I was struck by how much we have in Sydney now, the freedom to worship, the ready access to all sorts of resources, Bibles in multiple translations.  And yet even though they might not be in the exact same circumstances as the convicts who came over on the First Fleet, the majority of people in Sydney still need to hear about God's love for them, about him sending Jesus to die for them so that they didn't have to be judged for their sins.  It's awe-inspiring to stand on the shoulders of men like Johnson, but also a reminder that there is still much work that God has set aside for us to do.

It's exciting to see the people at St Philip's working hard to reach people, especially in the CBD area.  I'm praying for them to stand firm and persevere in a tough harvest field, and that God will bring them much joy.

Edit to add:

Just after writing this I did my Bible reading for the morning, and the passage was Luke 10:1-20, which seemed to tie in beautifully with what I'd just been reflecting on.  Jesus equips and sends out 72 disciples to go ahead of him and tell people that the kingdom of God is near.  They go out and come back with reports of great success:

The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!” And he said to them, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

(Luke 10:17-20 ESV)

That is something really important to remember in all the work we do for God, whether we have times of great joy or great sorrow, whether things seem easy or are a big struggle, that it's not about us.  That we can only do this work because Jesus has given us the power to do so.  And that ultimately the point is to glorify our great God.

Amazing grace

I dropped mum off at the airport today for her two week holiday in Canada. I was at once excited and a little melancholy to see her go, but mostly I’m really glad she gets to have a holiday.

As I was driving home past the giant billboards that line the road from the airport, I noticed one massive billboard of woman wearing a come-hither expression (and little else) under the words: “Life is short. Have an affair while in Sydney.” Curiosity got the better of me and I googled the website being advertised when I got home (not actually wanting to visit the website itself). Its description calls it an agency for “Married Dating, Affairs, Married Women, Extramarital Affair.” Okay then of course I clicked through to the website because I couldn’t quite believe it. But yes. It’s an agency with the sole purpose of setting married people up to have casual, sexual affairs.

What. The. Hell.

Sometimes our world just makes me want to scream. Then it makes me think about how this is nothing new, that right back since humanity began we’ve been behaving like this, taking good gifts from God like relationships, marriage and sex, and treating them like garbage. It makes God’s grace all the more overwhelming. Isn’t it mindblowing that he would send Jesus to die to save us, to make us clean and whole and alive when we deserve nothing but death for the way we’ve treated him?

If you want to hear a great talk on God’s grace, have a listen to Rod’s talk on Ephesians 2 from Wild St yesterday. It’s gold.

asymmetry

Was running very late this morning. The problem with this is that then there is no chance of getting an all-day parking spot and I have to keep moving the car in every break we get. I’m also sitting here, in the break between Biblical Theology lectures, feeling a bit head-swimmy.

Today Peter Bolt gave a paper on complementarianism: appreciating God’s designed, delightful differences between men and women. I dislike the ‘equal but different’ tagline that is floated around a lot, but I do like ‘designed, delightful differences’. It casts the whole thing in a much more positive light. Equal but different just sounds defensive.

I like this reminder of God’s created order and getting glimpses of how the world would work so well if we all lived according to God’s design. In this case, creation is a hierarchy. God created man, a helper was needed for man but the other created beings (animals) weren’t suitable, so the woman was made from man. Men and women are two parts of a whole, and complement one another. This forms the beautiful hierarchy or asymmetry of order that goes God->man->woman->animal. This hierarchy (though it’s seen as a negative term these days) allows for a responsibility of care – this is amongst people (men and women) who have equal status before God, however there is a definite order and asymmetric of responsibilities. The man is required to care and the woman to submit to that care, and men and women both are to care for the rest of creation.

So our biology matters, gender matters, the way we’ve been created as male and female matters. The hierarchy is not imposed on us by the Fall, it is part of God’s good creation, but post-Fall it causes us pain. This can be seen when women refuse to be led by their husbands, or by wrong abuse such as a man dominating his wife through strength or violence. The problem we have is not the created order, the problem is our sinfulness.

I love getting glimpses into how things are supposed to work, and seeing God’s generosity and wisdom in creation. Makes me long for everything to be put right, because we just get it so badly wrong.

His steadfast love endures forever

Had a massive, unexplained anxiety attack last night (while driving, not recommended, probably as distracting as being drunk behind the wheel). Strangely, even though I know casting my fears and failings on God is the solution when I’m feeling like that, it’s often the last thing that occurs to me.

I guess the very nature of depression and anxiety means that you lose rationality, you become entirely self-focused and you can’t see anything beyond the stifling fog that surrounds you suddenly. I’m grateful I have people praying for me, and I have a mum to make me a cup of tea, and most of all that God can reach through it all to remind me that he’s there. Decided not to do the things I had planned for this morning, and instead sat under my blanket on the couch and read this psalm, which brought great comfort. God is good!

Psalm 138

I give you thanks, O LORD, with my whole heart;
before the gods I sing your praise;
I bow down toward your holy temple
and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.
On the day I called, you answered me;
my strength of soul you increased.

All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O LORD,
for they have heard the words of your mouth,
and they shall sing of the ways of the LORD,
for great is the glory of the LORD.
For though the LORD is high, he regards the lowly,
but the haughty he knows from afar.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.

The psalm offers us a helpful prayer dynamic to follow on occasions when, like the psalmist, we find ourselves in ‘the midst of trouble’ (v7). This dynamic is expressed in the psalm’s main sections. The first encourages us in our trouble to look back to deliverances of the past (vs 1-3) . . . Having praised the Lord for his past goodness, we are invited in verses 4-6 to look forward to the time when all the rulers of the earth shall yield to God’s sovereignty. . .

Having enabled us to find comfort in both past experience and future hope, the final section (vs 7,8) bids us to look out on the troubles that are intimidating us now, casting ourselves upon the Lord’s steadfast love that did not fail us in the past and will endure for ever.

Encounter With God, Apr-Jun 2010, Scripture Union p36