Magnolia blanket

This isn't a newly finished project, but I realised I never put pics up of the end result and it's all been papercraft here for the last few posts so it's high time we had some yarn craft. Here's my magnolia afghan! It's been keeping me warm since April, and even when the weather is warmer it looks nice draped over the end of my bed.

It's a very easy pattern for a very satisfying result. You basically crochet the large shapes, then the smaller triangles and sew them all together into one long panel. Then you crochet along one side and keep going until it's as long as you want (or, in my case, until you get sick of doing nothing but long, long rows).

In the pattern, the top panel was supposed to be vertical rows, but I preferred the horizontal stripe, so I just did the same as on the bottom panel and crocheted along until it was as I wanted. Then I went all around the edge in double crochet stitches to bind it.

I love the yarn I used too, as it self-stripes and makes the blanket look a whole lot more complex than it actually is! Also, being Lincraft yarn it often goes on sale, so I would just wait until there was a sale and buy up a bunch. Seeing as it has a mixed colour it didn't matter too much if the yarn wasn't from the same dye lot (there wasn't a lot of variation as far as I could tell).

I probably would have finished the whole thing quite quickly if I hadn't started it in spring...but crocheting a giant blanket in summer was not the most enjoyable thing to do so I waited until the autumn months to finish it off. It gives me great pleasure to see it on my bed! There is really nothing quite as satisfying as making something beautiful that is also practical.

Yarn: Lincraft Surprise - dark multi mix
Pattern: Magnolia Afghan by Lion Brand Yarns

shining a light on Christmas

I wish there was an online version of Southern Cross I could link to - the lead article by Judy Adamson in this month's issue about Christmas celebrations is really great. Good stuff for me to think about in these final few days before our Wild Carols event on Sunday night (and another one in Canterbury that Lachy, Tim and I are involved with on Saturday).

Archie Poulos has articulated what I'm aiming for with Wild Carols this year:

Archie Poulos says it's important for Christians to stop thinking that everyone in the community understands the meaning of Christmas.
"If you asked a group of people in their 20s or 30s what Christmas was about there'd be a religious element to it, but exactly what it is doesn't matter because it's about a 'vibe', not truth," he says.
In exactly the same way, he adds, people with no faith at all can cry at a carols service because they're not responding to "the truth of God become man, they're responding to a notion - a vibe of something".
"For them [Jesus is] a part of a story like Santa is a part of a story - like the emotion I feel when I get together with my family is part of the story. So what our task has got to be is not to mock and dismiss these other elements but to shine the light on the part of the story that actually makes the story. Put the spotlight on that, show why that's the most important thing and give people a framework through which they can understand more of what's happening."

I hope we can shine the light on Jesus for people this weekend. Come along to the Canterbury Church Plant on Saturday at 7:30, or Wild Street on Sunday at 6:30 - we should have lots of fun!

mi casa

It's been a week of home improvements, of the expensive kind. But it's been largely successful, so I feel some spruiking is required.

A bit of background - our house used to be one whole dwelling, which was used as an accounting firm/home/teddy bear making facility (don't ask). There was ducted air conditioning, an alarm system, a quite extensive sprinkler network throughout the big landscaped backyard and front yard, and backyard lights. When they couldn't sell the whole dwelling, they decided to turn it into semis and just put a line down the middle. So they blocked off the air conditioning, cut off the alarm, and took all the vital operating bits (such as pumps and connectors) to the sprinkler system. Andy's side (926) has the controls for air con and the alarm. Our side just has the dud vents and blinky alarm detectors that go on and off but do nothing.

We decided to get air conditioning installed and it seemed to make sense to use the vents/ducts that were already there. It took a while to organise the money to do it, but this week I got the chaps from J&J Metro West (whose office is right next to ours in Rydalmere) to come and install a new Daikin system (they ended up replacing the ducting but used the existing vents). They were really friendly, professional and well-priced - I'd happily recommend them to anyone.

Of course, since we had the system installed, the weather has been rather cool (much like how when you get the car washed it invariably rains). So I feel that has been our service to all of you living in Sydney: installing air conditioning has brought a cool change, rendering the air conditioning unnecessary. You are welcome.

I also had someone from Magnetite come in and quote to retrofit double glazing in the bedrooms, to cut the traffic noise down. But it's unlikely to be installed til January, so I will let you know how that goes (I am SO looking forward to that happening).



The last thing I had done was to do an all-out offensive strike against the ant armies that are encroaching upon our domicile. The place had been fumigated before we moved in, and we even had the dude come back under warranty because there seemed to be more ants than were normal, but he wasn't really much help.

Mum tried spraying, laying ant baits, putting down ant rid, ant sand, magic ant chalk (given to her by someone at work and, as it turns out, illegal in the US)...anything with ant in the title really. But after an initial cull, they would just cut a path around whatever measures we had taken, scoffing and laughing at our puny attempts. She has been getting increasingly stressed about the ants, their cunning and their evil. I had to point out that ants didn't really operate under any sort of moral compass, but she didn't want to have a bar of it.

The day they invaded the kitchen cupboards was the last straw. Although they did not breach our impenetrable Tupperware line of defence, they were everywhere and it was kind of gross, really. 

I didn't really know who to call, so I just did some googling. Nationwide Pest Control's site impressed me, mainly because it was well-laid out, provided the relevant information (ie, what the service entailed and how much it would cost), and allowed me to book online. I got a call the next day confirming the appointment, and a call on the day to say the guy was on his way.

He was friendly, confident, took care of business and seemed to know his stuff. I made a point of telling him what I thought about the website, because I think positive feedback ought to be passed on, and he seemed very proud of the whole business. He reckons after a month of the ants carrying poison back to the nest and gradually dying out, we should be relatively ant free for at least a year, if not longer. Hurrah!

When I mentioned mum's ant paranoia to the pest controller he said "yeah I'm pretty sure we're not at the top of the food chain, we just exist to serve the ants." Which of course reminds me of this:

http://youtu.be/eKbFb6TPVEA

But not for another year at least! Mwa ha ha!

drip...drip...

I do think the decreasing of my blogging coincides with my uptake of Twitter. I used to actually blog about the minutiae that I tweet about now...so I guess I didn't stop saying things, I just changed the channel I chose to communicate with (that was quite deft alliteration there, did you notice that?).

But as a result my writing is now in little drips rather than torrents of words.

I have said it before, too, but my embracing of technology has also led to a decline in my writing generally. I used to carry around notebooks and pens everywhere and take any opportunity to write about ideas, things around me, people who looked interesting on the bus, that sort of thing. Lachy suggested I try and record similar thoughts as I drive, but it's kind of harder to get into the right creative mode while being assaulted on all sides by Sydney traffic. Unless I wanted to write about Sydney traffic. Which I don't, really.

Though I did have an idea for a book the other day while I was getting a haircut. And I made some notes and still haven't completely gone off the idea, so I should nurture that little seed. There is also the series on body image and the Christian that I keep meaning to think about, research and write (rather than rants off the top of my head when I'm feeling fat).

Hmm. So there is stuff in that head of mine.

Alright, gentle readers (at this point it might just be mum and Barbara, but I fear even they may have given up on me), I will endeavour to keep to a more frequent blogging schedule. Even if there's not that much to say, writing regularly and thinking about what to write has to be a good thing.

nooooo

Mum's giving up on checking my blog. You might wonder why she checks it so frequently, given that we live together and talk all the time. But clearly she thinks I have something to say that I am Keeping From Her.

I don't really, but I should think of more things to say.

The light

Here's another Kaylee from Some Odd Girl, this time a digi (digital 'stamp' = an image you print off yourself on a printer, rather than a physical stamp you'd stamp with ink) called Bright Lights Kaylee.

I think I like her with blue hair the best (maybe because I coloured the blue better than the pink!).

I used some of the excellent washi tape I got recently at the Papercraft Festival at Penrith when I went in to help Sammi on the Mad for Markers stand. We were right across from the Papercraft Hub stand, and they one whole 'wall' of their stand was just rolls of washi tape (a kind of Japanese paper tape) in all kinds of patterns. The temptation proved too much!

I love the informal yet sweet look washi tape gives to cards (I remember first seeing washi tape in Pentimento Bookshop in Newtown years ago, and coveting it desperately but thinking "when would I ever use that? I really can't justify buying it just because it looks pretty." It was quite expensive too, but now it's far more common and much cheaper and I need less and less justification to buy pretty things!)

I printed out an appropriate Bible verse to stick on - Jesus is the light that came into the world at Christmastime (and of course it's also a lame pun because, well, fairy lights). I don't like a lot of the 'sentiment' stamps that are around at Christmas, mainly because they're so bland and generic. As a Christian I love to celebrate Jesus' birth so I am pleased to take the opportunity to say more than 'Merry Christmas' or (worse) 'happy holidays'!

 

PS - hopefully it doesn't seem too condescending if I occasionally explain a term...it's easy to just use jargon and forget that not everyone will know what things like digis and washi tape are. I mainly am aware of this because that's how I feel whenever I start exploring a new craft and I'm too scared to ask questions!

It took me SO long to feel familiar with crochet patterns, for example, and I was always thinking I was doing everything wrong. But eventually I realised that even if the way I did it wasn't 'right', it was still getting good results! Starting to get back into paper craft has been a bit of an eye opener, because there are a lot more commonly available tools and different techniques around than when I used to run Christmas card making workshops at church...I suppose the images I made up and printed out to use were digis, but I didn’t know that’s what they were called!

I think we get hung up on right and wrong ways of doing things and forget about the joy of just making stuff! A lady at the Papercraft Festival was watching one of the girls colouring and said wistfully, "I used to love colouring in with my son when he was little. We had so much fun! But I'm so not artistic, I could never do anything like this." I said, "Artistic has nothing to do with it! If you enjoy it, that's one of the biggest reasons for doing it!" That's advice I would do well to heed myself sometimes...

 

Not quite perfect...

Another Tree Trimming Kaylee card, but this time with purple hair. Purple and red is one of my favourite combos!

[side note, I have often wished I had purple hair but have been put off by the thought that I would have to peroxide it first. Why regular toxic hair dye isn't a problem for me, I don't know. But I have visions of my peroxided hair becoming straw-like and crumbling to dust and I don't think I could rock the bald look AT ALL.]

This card didn't work out as well as I'd hoped, but hey I'm not just going to post the stuff here that makes me look like I know what I'm doing. Full crafting transparency, people! I also wanted to show how just a different colour palette can transform an image; I keep forgetting this is the same stamp as the one on the last card.

The coloured baubles (a Kaisercraft clear stamp that I can't find anywhere to link to online so it must be out of 'print') are fine, but I wanted to echo their shape in the background by stamping with red ink onto the red card. As you can see, that didn't quite come out as clearly or as elegantly as I might have liked! I might try it again sometime, but I'll practice first.

But still, there's something about this card that pleases me. Must be the purple hair.

Colour

I've always loved coloured pencils, pens, crayons, pastels, mainly how they look all lined up. The possibility of what someone could do with all those colours.

So I was very excited when my lovely friend Sammi set up her store, Mad For Markers. A close source of colour goodness! Mad For Markers came out of Sammi's love for Copic markers, an alcohol-based, refillable marker from Japan that allows you to do a lot of fun stuff with blending and shading that you can't do with normal markers.

 

[caption id="attachment_128" align="aligncenter" width="491"] Me and Sam at a recent event our church, Wild St, was part of (we were colouring Christmas tags and, er, wearing silly hats)[/caption]

I coloured my comics for Kinds of Blue (Labyrinthine and Eating the Blues) with Copics, but I'd only just started playing with them and wasn't very artful in the way I used them. Looking at the pages now I wish I could do them again, but they're out there now, and c'est la vie. I just need to draw some more comics to give me a chance to do a better job, I guess!

I decided this year I would make a whole stash of Christmas cards to get some good use out of my markers, and to encourage me to do more little creative things. I'm still working on a crochet project, but it takes me longer to finish those. The nice thing about colouring and cards is I can finish something I'm reasonably happy with in a short time. Sense of accomplishment, hurrah!

Here's one I made for mum's birthday in October:



I'll be putting up Christmas ones in the next few days, to engender a sense of Christmassy spirit, despite it only being November (when you intend to make things to give at Christmas, you have to start early!).

12w...buh.

So the problem is I don't like being told what to do. (None of us do, right? That's our whole problem...but that's the topic for another post)

I briefly forgot this. I thought that it would be great to have someone decide what I ate and tell me what exercise to do and how to change my mindset. Turns out I didn't like it so much.

I got so frustrated and sick of the 12WBT program that I ended up just not doing it...which isn't great a) because I'd paid for it and b) because I was in danger of undoing the work I had done. It's a great program, honestly, and I don't deny that it gets results. It does. I just didn't respond so well to the whole culture of it.

But some good realisations and behaviour changes have come of it.

• I've stopped binge snacking, like I was doing.


• I have a better understanding of the amount of food I actually need to function, and am aware of how much I ate that was completely unnecessary.


• I understand that my enjoyment of food and cooking for people is a big part of my life, and that is often not possible when on a program like this. Social eating is a big part of how I build relationship with people, and I don't want to forego that by being stingy about food or avoiding social eating situations altogether.


• I enjoy exercising to feel good.


• I don't enjoy exercising to the point of feeling unwell.


• The gym can be fun.


• I don't mind Michelle Bridges as a trainer on her exercise DVDs - that is definitely her forte, and her DVDs are really good - but I don't much like seeing and hearing her everywhere.


• But I do like her fitness clothing from Big W.


• I like being fitter.


• My identity and self worth does not depend on my weight, what I eat, or whether I exercise.

It hasn't been at all a waste. But I recognise I need to do what works for me. So until the end of the 12WBT, I'm going to keep referring to the exercise plans. But I have gone back to counting points and Weight Watchers, as that style of program suits me better.

The report of my blog's death was an exaggeration

Mum: "Have you shut your blog down?"

Me: "...no...is it not there?"

Mum: "It's there but it's not...doing anything."

Perhaps I should post more.

having said that...

I just did my week 4 fitness test and measure up and I killed it!

So even some bodily training has made a difference. Okay. Not giving up, but going easy on myself - something is better than nothing.

wavering

I've never been much of a goal setter/keeper. Some people are able to set goals and then stay on track, no matter what, to reach the goal. I might set the goal, work at it for a few weeks, and then fall back into the 'who cares' state.

I'm starting to feel that with 12WBT. I'm sticking to the nutrition plans as much as I can, though finding it hard with things like church meals or being away for work. Even so, I'm managing to stay within the 1200 calorie allowance most days, and seeing the weight slowly come off. I am finding I am getting hungrier than I did at the beginning of the program, but there haven't been any major blowouts. So hurrah for that!

It's the exercise that is just not sticking for me. I joined the gym, and the times when I've gone have been great, even though mostly I find it hard to do an entire hour's workout. But days like today, when I wake up and hear the traffic screaming past the house, I just feel like retreating further into my shell. I'm not ready to get out into all that yet! Maybe I should just go back to attempting to work out in the living room on days like that.

I know they're excuses, and part of the whole 12WBT is to change your mindset, to challenge and eliminate excuses and just do it. Thing is, while the amount of content in the program is comprehensive and the videos and forums are intended to encourage and fire you up, most days they have the opposite effect on me. I feel so far away from wanting to do the work to get healthy in the way that Bridges is prescribing.

The main thing that is disturbing me is the self focus. That sounds a bit ridiculous, because the whole point of any kind of diet or fitness program is to focus on yourself. But I'm spending much more time thinking about food and fitness than I am reading my Bible. I'm thinking about body transformation much more intently than I am thinking about spiritual transformation. It just doesn't sit right with me. As a Christian, the focus is all wrong.

I want to be healthy and fit so that I have the energy and stamina to do the work God has given me to do, not as an end in itself. My best moment would not be to have a completely flat stomach and to be able to run up a hill. It will be to hear God say to me on the last day, "well done, good and faithful servant" and to know I have lived as he wanted me to.

And obsessing over weight is so counter to what he wants for me too! My self worth is not to be tied up in how I look or how the world perceives me, it is tied up in Jesus. Besides which, I have been made in the image of God, whether I'm big or small, and how can I hate that?

I am going to print 1 Timothy 4:7-8 out and stick it above my mirror:

... train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.

In the meantime, the jury is still out on what I think about 12WBT as a whole. But I'm not sure the mindset lessons are taking me where I want to go.

Loss of a joy

I have to say, I'm not really feeling it today. It's a gorgeous day, and I should be raring to go, pulling on my shoes and getting out amongst it. But I feel exhausted and kind of sad and like I just want to hide in my room with the curtains drawn until the day is over.

It's mostly hormonal and it'll pass. It's okay. But I'm struggling reconciling that with the whole 12WBT thing. I really feel like baking a cake. I enjoy baking. I love the process of combining ingredients to create something completely different. I love the textures of the batter and the icing. I love the smell as it cooks, wafting through the house. I love slicing the first piece, still hot from the oven, and savouring it as I eat. Baking doesn't take me much effort, so when I'm down and tired it is still something I can do. There is the satisfaction of having created something that brings pleasure, no matter how ephemeral.

But the problem with being on any kind of diet is that baked goods are generally out, because the baking tends to lead to the eating. So no baking. And none of that joy that goes along with it.

Also, I went to the doctor the other day and he asked me all sorts of questions about my depression. I told him how I had started exercising, which of course he thought was good, but he did say to be careful. That especially when it comes to depression I should be exercising to feel good, not to the point of feeling exhausted, because then it will lead me to not want to exercise, so I won't, which will make me more depressed, which...on and on. How do I reconcile that with a fitness program like this? When all these people are shouting "Just F-ing DO IT!" on the forums, but being told to JFDing it will, more often than not, lead me to feeling worse?

I guess some exercise is better than no exercise, right? So even if I can't do the full training session, following through on the intention and doing some of it is a good thing.

12WBT: other things

• I joined a gym - and it has a pool!


• I am fitting back into a dress that got too tight for me, which coincides nicely with the warmer sunshiney weather. It's nice not to be wearing jeans and shapeless tops.


• A note on the nutrition plans - I'm sorry, but no. Herbal tea is not a dessert. (I've seen this referred to in other diets as well. HERBAL TEA IS NOT A SNACK! It's herbal tea!!)

12WBT: week 2 weigh in

Hurrah! I lost 1.8kg in the first week of the program! This is exciting, as it means the sore muscles and occasionally growling belly are worth it, and it's all working.

Well of course it's working. My eating habits before this were so poor. I had gotten into a very negative way of thinking, which was essentially "who cares?" Who cares if I have Maccas on the way home? Who cares if I eat that whole container of baklava? Who cares if I haven't so much as looked at a vegetable in three days? Who cares?

I knew I really did care, as the kilos I had lost at the beginning of the year marched back onto my body. A tiny voice was shouting "noooo!" but the "who cares?" voice was much louder (and bossier!).

Yes, sometimes over the past couple of weeks I have been frustrated and just wanted to eat whatever I wanted. But following a program, having everything mapped out for me and not having anything unhealthy I could binge on in the cupboard has meant that the negative, bossy voice has been quietened somewhat. The positive voice pointing out how much better I feel and congratulating me for taking steps to turn my health around is sounding more confident!

(I talk about my 'voices' a lot, don't I? Don't worry, I don't have multiple personality disorder or anything!)

12WBT: yum

[flickr id="7918753788" thumbnail="small_320" overlay="true" size="medium" group="" align="none"]

One thing I have been pleasantly surprised about with the program so far, is how filling and delicious the food is! Well, I knew it would be filling, but didn't expect to enjoy the recipes so much, both in the preparation and the eating.

I've never been able to plan my week's meals, I just find it mind-numbing to work it all out and then work out what I need to buy. So having someone else write up the plan, and then exactly what I need to buy at the supermarket is bliss! It makes cooking a joy, because absolutely everything you need is at hand. Although I haven't quite gotten to the TV chef stage of having all my spices pre-measured in little bowls, it's almost as good as that.

It also means I've tried some new things this past week, which always helps keep meals interesting when it comes to cooking. The thing that's good about these recipes is they are super easy and seem to turn out perfectly every time! New things include:

• Cajun fish stew - I was always a bit scared of cooking fish before, probably because my first attempt at it was a disaster. But this stew was delicious.


• CELERY - I normally hate celery. Some people wonder how I can hate celery, "but it's so bland and inocuous!" No. It is an evil, weird-tasting vegetable and I hate it. Until now. I still probably won't eat it raw, but added to many of the recipes this week, I haven't noticed it and yet have been smug about getting an extra serve of vegies.


• Grated apple in porridge instead of sugar and milk - a serve of fruit, no 'empty' calories, and really quite delicious.

Getting used to eating less and not snacking so much is still a challenge, but no complaints in terms of main meals!

Megan sweater

You'd be forgiven for thinking I'd stopped making anything, the way this blog has been gathering dust. But I've been happily crocheting through the cooler months, finished my magnolia blanket, which I will post later and finished my very first garment!



It's the Megan sweater by Robyn Chachula, from the book Blueprint Crochet. I decided to use this one because I wanted to learn how to read crochet diagrams, and it's my kind of sweater, really. And as it doesn't really get that cold in Sydney, it's a perfect weight for this climate.

I had no trouble with the pattern itself; even though it looks complicated, it's actually pretty easy. You just make up a lot of motifs, then stitch them together. Not much more complicated than making a blanket.



Except. The sizing was a bit weird. I'm not sure what I did, but it ended up huge. I had measured myself and concluded I was an XL from the pattern's measurements, I did a gauge swatch...but still somehow it ended up making me look a bit like the marshmallow man. It came down to my knees and ballooned around the armpits.



I quietly despaired for a while, then thought "hey! I could just pull some motifs out and make it fit!" So I pulled some out and then despaired a little more loudly, because I thought I'd completely ruined it. It sat, in a jumble, on the couch for a week, a huge gaping hole where I had cut out a section. But I didn't want it to mock me forever. I was determined to solve this problem.



So, during another episode of the West Wing (it has been my primary viewing while making this piece) I pulled and eased and forced the garment to do what I wanted it to...and it worked! I am so happy...I was scared it would be a massive waste of time and money. I added some buttons, changed the shaping of the sleeves, and dispensed with the ribbed cuffs (I hate ribbed cuffs) from the original pattern. It's much more me this way.

So pleased that now I have something bright and colourful and snuggly and unique to wear.



[box] Yarn: Bendigo Woollen Mills Rustic - Radiant

Pattern: Megan sweater by Robyn Chachula[/box]

unboxing (or the importance of UX, even in packaging)

I am a fan of good design. One thing in particular that I like is really well-designed packaging material. Apple is, of course, at the top of the list for this; I think I would appreciate the packaging even if I wasn't an Apple fangirl. This week at work I've had the joy of unboxing two delicious Apple products, a new 15-inch MacBook Pro and a 27-inch Thunderbolt Apple Display. It makes me pretty excited to know that my employer values me (and my potential) so much that they are willing to invest in me like this, and to make my workspace such a joy to use.

Here is my shiny new set up:



(No I don't really sit here looking at myself all day.)

And part of the joy was actually unpacking the items from their snug cocoons, peeling off the glossy protective plastic, seeing the screens unsmudged (probably for the last time ever).

Today I got a parcel in the post from T2, and I think we might have a packaging contender.

I like T2 tea but don't often buy it because of the cost. When I do get it, I enjoy going to the stores, smelling and sampling the blends, coveting the teapots and cups and generally soaking up the highly art-directed ambience. Everything is black and orange and designed to feel premium and luxurious.

Lucky me, I got given a gift voucher, and decided to use it online (as I don't seem to get to the shops much anymore, since going back to work full time). My usual experience of online shopping is that you get things sent in a postage bag, and if you're really lucky, depending on the kind of shop you're buying from, you might get  a sweet note or a free sample or something. My parcel of tea, however, impressed me to the point of writing a blog post about it, which is pretty odd really. Even the gift card itself felt fancy:



The parcel arrived in a black postage satchel. Inside that was a matte-finish black box, embossed with the T2 logo and held closed with magnets.



Inside that was a whole bunch of black tissue paper, a T2 promotional booklet, and two sample packets of tea (Girlie Grey and Morning Red, for the curious).



And then finally, nestled below all that and wrapped in bubble wrap and more black tissue paper, were my tins and box of tea (French Earl Grey, Chai and Gorgeous Geisha).



Yes, it's just tea! But the process of opening the package made the purchase feel as special as if I had gone into one of their shops. It made me appreciate how much attention to detail and thinking through the whole user experience matters when you want to engage with people.

I can't exactly apply those same principles to my work, as I don't sell products. But one of my tasks is to think about promoting and protecting the brand of our organisation. Those who have the same task at T2 have obviously nailed it.

heaven is waiting

Equip went really well yesterday. I had a really good time, both doing the drama and being at the conference. I realised the last time I was at Equip and completely freaked out was when I had first been diagnosed with depression, so I was at my lowest point and always associated that anxiety and stressed state with the conference itself. It was good to have had a break from it for a few years, but wonderful to go back and be fed and nourished by God's word (and not be freaked out by 3000 women!).

For the curious, here is how I would look as a pregnant woman:



It got a good reaction from people I knew. Especially the ones who hadn't seen me for over a year.

The talks were about heaven being our home and our destination, and how to live as we wait. I especially wanted to post something Lisa Thompson quoted in her talk, from The Last Battle by CS Lewis. As always he so lyrically and beautifully pictures profound truths.

And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.

CS Lewis, The Last Battle, Fontana Lions, p173

I'm so excited that this life is but the cover and title page of my story, of all our stories. I can't wait for the Great Story to begin in the new creation!

Detriment

I went to a rehearsal last night for a drama I'm in at the Equip women conference this weekend (people refer to these things as a 'drama' but that gives it more weight than I feel it has...it's just a skit to me, a performed blip to get you thinking). There are four of us in the drama, all showing women in various stages of waiting, or talking about what they are waiting for.

Rehearsal was after a long day at work, in a place I'd never been before in the western suburbs. I had never met the other actors, and we only got the script last weekend because of various problems with volunteers having to pull out (one of whom was the writer/director, so the whole thing had to be rewritten by one of the actors). Actually I was a ring-in because an actor had pulled out, and we even had another actor pull out this week, so the girl replacing her was even newer than me. So the whole thing has only come together by the grace of God, really!

I was already feeling low because of tiredness and being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. Then I realised that they are all active actors/drama people. And that really threw me for a loop. One is a working actor, one is a drama teacher and one has just graduated from drama school. And then there's me, who hasn't properly acted for at least 10 years.

I don't know why this slammed me so much. I sat there, watching the girls do their monologues and thinking "they've actually put effort into this, they actually know what they're doing...they're going to regret asking me to do this...", and dreaded my turn to perform. It was like being at a cold audition, suddenly jumping up in front of strangers and doing a monologue at them. I apologised my way through the rehearsal, and rushed my lines, and was touchy when given direction...I could see myself behaving this way, saw that it really wasn't helping anything and couldn't understand it. I told myself to calm down, and tried to be gracious and thank the scriptwriter and take on suggestions and slow down.

It came together well, and everyone was positive and reassuring. But all the way home I just felt stupid and sad and fraudulent. And the little positive voice, although barely audible amongst the waves of negativity, kept saying "you're fine! Don't worry! It's just a little skit, and your bit's only two minutes long! It's okay! God will use you!"

So I tried to reflect on why I had felt so bad. Two main things, aside from the tiredness.

1. My part is that of a pregnant woman, who can't wait for her baby to arrive because "you have no idea how long I've waited for this". I was bemused that I was cast in this role when the script went around, and was basically told, well, we're all single, childless women, so someone has to do it, you'll be fine.

I realised last night I didn't really want to get into the mindset I needed to do a convincing job (ie, not just a cariacature); that it felt like if I didn't try to do it well I could end up being insulting to the countless women who will be at Equip and will be feeling sad and anxious about issues of childlessness; and that even though mostly I am okay about not being a mum, thinking too much about waiting for a child makes me feel bone-wearyingly sad.

2. I have changed so much since theatre was my life; there are people I know now who never even knew that 'other' me. Now, I don't mind the changes that have taken me away from wanting a life in the theatre, and I love how God has shaped me and grown me since my uni years.

But the thing that upset me was the change in my demeanour, in my outlook since being struck with depression. I feel like the black dog has eaten parts of me, or like the depression is an acid that has burned giant holes in my fabric...if I'd had the energy last night I would have tried to draw it, because it's hard to explain.

I used to be so excited about performing, about the medium of theatre. I could see exactly what to do to communicate a thought or emotion, and how to do it (though I've always been a better director than actor). I had energy. I had projection. I had passion. I loved being part of an ensemble and making plays. And now, even though depression-wise I'm nowhere near as bad as I've been in the past, it's like that me has dissolved. It's like I'm missing parts of my personality. I almost resented the other girls for being in touch with that, when I couldn't access it anymore.

It's hard to explain. But I think maybe the sad feeling was grieving those things. They aren't huge, insurmountable issues to deal with. But they definitely tripped me up.

Hearing talks on heaven at Equip this weekend will be good for me!