the difficulty of picking just one thing

I know I sound like a broken record, going on all the time about how tired I am. But I'm really tired. It seems unfair, really, given that it's only the beginning of the year and I've recently had time off.

I'm very blessed to be working with people who understand and who urge me to take it slow. I do still feel guilty when I have to work at home, even though it's perfectly legitimate! Maybe it just doesn't feel like I'm working as hard when I'm lying on the couch with my laptop as opposed to sitting up at a desk, even if I'm doing the exact same work. But anyway, I'm glad they understand that sometimes I just can't drive to the office.

Tuesday was a bit scary. I had to go up to Cooranbong to man the SU resources table at a conference. It's only one hour and 45 mins drive from home, not a big deal at all. I left at 6:30am, had to pull over at Berowra for 10 mins and then again at the F3 Maccas. I intended to just stretch my legs, but I didn't even get out of the car. Next thing I knew, I was waking up 20 minutes later. The rest of the day just felt like stumbling through a fog. I was supposed to drive up again yesterday and just couldn't do it. Thankfully the world didn't end, everyone understood, and I slept half the day.

I'm going to reinstitute the one-thing-per-day rule again. Maybe just for a while. I still hate that my body doesn't let me pack a day and night full of activity. I say yes to things, because there are so many wonderful things to say yes to. So it's not even like I'm trying to wriggle out of commitments that I don't want to fulfill. I can't even do the things I want to do sometimes, which is disappointing.

So this weekend is the Australia Day long weekend. I realised I was quite pleased because it meant there was no Big Thing to do at church as there is on Christmas and Easter holidays! But that doesn't mean it's going to be quiet. I'm going to see Neil Gaiman tomorrow night after work, the Secret River on Saturday, church (incl music) on Sunday, Rog's 50th birthday (incl music) on Monday. All great things and none especially taxing. Yet it starts adding up...

I was supposed to see the Hobbit with Karen on Saturday too, and go to dinner at George's on Monday, both wonderful things...and yet I started to feel panicky thinking about a weekend with something on most days and nights. Sadly I declined the movie and probably dinner too, sad to not spend time with my girlfriends, but knowing they understand (indeed, they are ones who counsel me to say no to things and rest more often!). But actually, I'm seeing Neil with Karen (and Guan), and the Secret River with George (and mum) so I won't be missing out on them altogether! But it's hard to say no to good things, especially when you feel like it's for no good reason (even though of course looking after yourself is a very good reason).

I said to T at work that there must be people in the world who wake up in the morning feeling good and look forward to what the day has in store. She said, almost apologetically, "I do." I would just love to wake up, full of energy and without being distracted by how I physically feel. But I guess God has made me this way for a reason, and I know he is glorifying himself through me by changing me and teaching me to persevere. Like a zombie.

Zombies are very persistent!

Renewal

I've not been very well the last couple of days. So today I am at home, still in my pyjamas, sitting in the sun and reading Prince Caspian. Makes me feel like a little kid again! There were things to do today, a meeting I was to go to at Parramatta and an article to write, but my aching head won't allow for any of it. I've opted for being kind to myself.

So I will share with you a lovely passage from Prince Caspian that may make your Friday that much better, as it has mine.

---

Lucy and Peter find the armory at Cair Paravel

The great beast rolled over on his side so that Lucy fell, half sitting and half lying between his front paws. He bent forward and just touched her nose with his tongue. His warm breath came all round her. She gazed up into the large wise face.

'Welcome, child,' he said.

'Aslan,' said Lucy, 'you're bigger.'

'That is because you are older, little one,' answered he.

'Not because you are?'

'I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.'

For a time she was so happy that she did not want to speak. But Aslan spoke.

'Lucy,' he said, 'we must not lie here for long. You have work in hand, and much time has been lost today.'

'Yes, wasn't it a shame?' said Lucy. 'I saw you, all right. They wouldn't believe me. They're all so-'

From somewhere deep inside Aslan's body there came the faintest suggestion of a growl.

'I'm sorry,' said Lucy, who understood some of his moods. 'I didn't mean to start slanging the others. But it wasn't my fault anyway, was it?'

The Lion looked straight into her eyes.

'Oh, Aslan,' said Lucy. 'You don't mean it was? How could I - I couldn't have left the others and come up to you alone, how could I? Don't look at me like that . . . oh well, I suppose I could. Yes, and it wouldn't have been alone, I know, not if I was with you. But what would have been the good?'

Aslan said nothing.

'You mean,' said Lucy rather faintly, 'that it would have turned out all right - somehow? But how? Please, Aslan! Am I not to know?'

'To know what would have happened, child?' said Aslan. 'No. Nobody is ever told that.'

'Oh dear,' said Lucy.

'But anyone can find out what will happen,' said Aslan. 'If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; and tell them you have seen me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow me - what will happen? There is only one way of finding out.'

'Do you mean that is what you want me to do?' gasped Lucy.

'Yes, little one,' said Aslan.

'Will the others see you too?' asked Lucy.

'Certainly not at first,' said Aslan. 'Later on, it depends.'

'But they won't believe me!' said Lucy.

'It doesn't matter,' said Aslan.

'Oh dear, oh dear,' said Lucy. 'And I was so pleased at finding you again. And I thought you'd let me stay. And I thought you'd come roaring in and frighten all the enemies away - like last time. And now everything is going to be horrid.'

'It is hard for you, little one,' said Aslan. 'But things never happen the same way twice. It has been hard for us all in Narnia before now.'

Lucy buried her head in his mane to hide from his face. But there must have been magic in his mane. She could feel lion-strength going into her. Quite suddenly she sat up.

'I'm sorry, Aslan,' she said. 'I'm ready now.'

'Now you are a lioness,' said Aslan. 'And now all Narnia will be renewed. But come. We have no time to lose.'

CS Lewis, Prince Caspian, Fontana Lions, 1985, pp 124-126
illustration by Pauline Baynes p30

poke

In an attempt to address the headaches, I've started acupuncture. This is different to the deep needling technique that the chiropractor used on me to relieve the stress in my shoulders. This is more classical acupuncture, but Dr Lowe also seems to have interesting theories and a satisfyingly wholistic approach to treatment. He's also a Christian; it was unusual, when he was talking to me about how all the various systems in the body are connected, to hear a doctor remark on how amazing God is, and how the body is so much more complex than God has revealed to us.

He thinks my headaches are all complicated by my depression, stress and anxiety, so his initial plan is to try to raise my serotonin levels. I also have to get an MRI, which I hear from Sam and Barbara isn't the world's most pleasant experience (and isn't cheap either), but that should either reveal or cancel out any underlying physical problems.

I've only had two acupuncture sessions so far but they do seem to help a little bit. The only problem is the day or two after I'm usually quite emotional. Today wasn't an exception! But thankfully I had good friends to talk to, something interesting and involving to do at work, and I was alone down my end of the office so when the emotions leaked out it wasn't too embarrassing...

Now, however, I'm very tired. I'm not going to Bible study, but I think I'll have a bath and go to bed early.

on with the show

Been in bed most of the day (well, on the bed, I didn't really bother getting into it) with a whopper headache. When is it a migraine? I don't know. Anyway, it was bad enough that I had to leave church after the sermon (even though I was on piano this morning) and was pretty much asleep all afternoon. Still, it's so good to have the opportunity to just sleep all day.

Dave's brother Andrew and his family were staying over last night, as Andrew was running in the City to Surf today. It was great to meet them all, though I didn't really spend much time chatting to them; the room was very full (six visitors altogether, plus me and Dave) and so I just read in my room for a while and then got ready to go out. Mum asked me where they were all going to sleep and I said I had offered options and they all said not to worry about it, so I didn't! They were all gone by the time I got up this morning, so they were really not any trouble at all.

I took a liking to Dave's niece, Tabitha, who is very cute and has a very charming smile. I heard her saying to Dave when I was in my room, "Where's your mum?" and Dave, knowing she meant me, kept saying "Grandma? She's in Orange." Eventually, exasperated, Tabitha tried a new tack, "Where's that girl in the black dress who lives here?" but then got all shy when I poked my head round the door to say hello. I love seeing how childrens' minds work, how it takes them a while to piece together abstract concepts like how people relate to one another - the 'girl in the black dress' is an older female who lives in the same flat as Dave...therefore...she must be his mother! (she hasn't quite worked out yet that her grandmother and Dave's mother are, in fact, the same person)

I left them all eating pizza and went to the Seymour Centre to meet Brett and Em. While standing around outside I also unfortunately caught a glimpse of an ex boyfriend I really don't ever want to see again and panicked, so we hurried inside and took our seats for the Balmain Light Opera Company's production of Into the Woods. It was okay - a bit patchy, really, with some great performances (notably, Jack and Little Red Riding Hood), but some less great performances. By the second act the wheels really seemed to have come off the whole thing; people were singing out of key, weren't able to hit the big notes, and I don't think they carried off the all-important emotional aspect of it. But the second act of Into the Woods is much darker, and is always going to be harder than the first, which has a lot more jokes and is setting up the whole fairytales colliding thing. I also found the set a little offputting - they could have done things a lot more simply and effectively, but instead had some pieces of the set that worked, and others that looked very panto.

But still, it was good to go out and see a show. We have decided the three of us will start going and seeing more theatre again, as I do miss it. The next one I want to see is Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? at Belvoir St. Brett is keen on A Midsummer Night's Dream with the STC, but I've always been a bit ambivalent about that play. And it took very little convincing to get Em thinking it is a good idea to see Miss Saigon, and perhaps to go on a road trip to Melbourne to see Phantom and then, next year, Wicked. How I plan to finance this, I have no idea, but it's always nice to dream...

far afield

I am completely flu-tastic. I put off my gym training session this week to this afternoon because I was sick but I'm still not great and now I have the cough to prove it, so I'm thinking I'll just have to suck it up and pay the forfeit fee. It's better than struggling through an hour of workout only to completely conk out afterwards.

But I got to see Jackie and Jake two nights in a row! We went out for dinner to Bill and Toni's on Thursday, and then they both came round for Thai and DVDs last night. Even though I coughed my way through most of both evenings, it was so good to see them both. It would be nice if we were all in the same country more often. Jake goes back to the UK today and Jackie goes back to Canberra. Canberra's closer than Coventry, but still...

That's the thing about wonderful friends being overseas (soon to be Mark and Jen too...sob!) - you can keep in touch and chat online and keep a semblance of the idea that you're all not really that far apart. But nothing beats just being able to get together on a whim. And you can't have nice big warm hugs when the other person is in the opposite hemisphere.

I know there's not much chance of me travelling in the near future, money situation being what it is, but oh how good it would be to be able to go and visit some of these people myself!

catch up

So, yeah, I have gotten the flu. Or something quite like it. I suppose it's not that much of a surprise, given that I've been around people for the last few weeks who had gotten sick, and spent last weekend at Collaroy sleeping in a room that was so cold I needed to wear my beanie and fingerless gloves to bed.

I'm feeling marginally better than this morning, so thought I'd post what I've been up to.

went to MAC Con at Collaroy
It was a good weekend, although I wonder if maybe I've been going to Equip too long, as MAC Con seemed a lot less slick. Still, that didn't affect the content at all - Narelle's great talks showed that 'The Truth about Jesus', is that he divides the world, is death defeated, reveals judgement, and is love. We were reminded of Jesus' power and authority, as well as his humanity and his great love for us.

I also went to Jen's seminar (twice!) on 'A Dangerous Transformation', which emphasised that Jesus knows exactly who we are on the inside, but also who we can become, and that the change that we undergo through trials and suffering isn't just arbitrary, but is to transform us into being more like Jesus. We looked at the life of Peter by reading a bunch of verses from the gospels and Acts and seeing how his life was transformed, bit by bit. He didn't suddenly become this incredible evangelist; it was a long, painful process. Jesus identified exactly who he was at the beginning, but it took Peter a long time of incremental change to accept the truth and become the man Jesus knew he could be, through the Holy Spirit.

We did Fireside Readings again on Saturday night, which was well-attended. Jen co-ordinates this and even though she felt she hadn't put as much thought into it as previous years, a lot of people seemed encouraged. I read a DA Carson sonnet, an excerpt from Mary Andrews' biography, and joined with the other readers in a dramatic reading of John 9 (I was da man!).

I finished knitting my first scarf!
This was with the wool I bought in Katoomba. It's very warm and snuggly, and I am proud of myself that I actually finished knitting something!

I've been working
Although I'm sick today, I feel quite happy that I've been able to work longer hours. I can't remember if I wrote about it here, but I got into a bit of a sticky situation with work; they (kindly) kept paying me while I was away sick all that time, but now I have this massive deficit of hours to make up (over 100). So I calculated how long it would take me to work it back and I think by September I should be right again. I was going to work on Saturdays too to speed up the process, but that was not a very wise idea - I did it twice, then realised I really do need the weekend to rest or I'll just get sick again. Also part of the problem is I have no holidays left so if I want to have holidays at the end of the year I'll need to do more overtime after September to accrue time off. If you're the praying type, pray that I'd have the stamina to get through this!

I haven't been writing
This is another downside. It hasn't even occurred to me to spend time writing since I've gotten back from Varuna, as I've just been focused on work. And it's not like I'm even working that much more, but even an hour or two extra means I'm too tired to do anything else when I get home. I need to work out some sort of strategy for allocating writing time that I stick to. Maybe Saturday mornings should be writing time.

I joined Facebook
What is it about these online communities that is so addictive? Now I have a myspace and a Facebook...what next?

That's enough for now. Think I need to sleep again.

whoops.

I think I've been overdoing it. Not in any decadent sense, mind you, just in the normal, day-to-day stuff. I've been working slightly longer hours, and working on Saturdays (long story...basically I have a lot of hours at work to make up due to my time off sick and so working an extra hour every day and Saturday mornings seems to be the only viable option at this point, short of chaining me to the desk for the next two months). Been going to the gym for short, half hour sessions two times a week. Been eating reasonably well, although had a couple of pizza lapses, but didn't think they were anything to be worried about.

So I got sick again.

Went down to staff conference at Stanwell Tops on Tuesday, expecting to stay til Thursday. Had to help Stuart launch our new website and explain it all to the staff, and we got through that okay but I rapidly went downhill as soon as it was finished. Was finding myself completely overwhelmed by all the people and the fact that there is absolutely nowhere you can go short of leaving the campsite where you can be on your own (and not freeze to death outside). Found myself getting stressed and exhausted by small things. Tried to see if a nap in the afternoon would help, but found the bed uncomfortable, had difficulty negotiating the top bunk (which has never bothered me before) and was further nauseated by the room smelling a lot like toilet cleaner.

So instead of staying til Thursday, I drove home on Tuesday night with a shocking headache and feeling quite nauseous. I think I realised something was definitely wrong when I spontaneously burst into tears on the way home, then as I drove past St George Hospital thought 'it would be so nice to be back in hospital right now'. That's not a normal thought.

I was planning to do Salt editing stuff today at home, but ended up sleeping for pretty much the whole day. I'm glad I came home. I think that's the problem with recovering from being unwell - you're so excited about feeling better that you just launch back into life without thinking about the fact that you need time, you need patience, your body needs rest.

I go back to Varuna next week! I can't think of a better restorative than that. And it was something like two degrees today...I think I'll be spending a lot of time, rugged up, in front of the open fire, consuming words, and the rest of the time rugged up, absorbing the central heating, producing words. Yay!

forbidden...well, everything

I had my appointment with the surgeon this afternoon to discuss my fascinating gallbladder. He has concluded that as it is absolutely chock full of stones, yep, it definitely needs to come out. He also assured me that the surgery is pretty easy these days unless you're the 1 in 10 that can't have the thing removed via keyhole surgery and they have to properly cut you open. I had a little panic yesterday over the fact that whatever happens, I'm going to have holes in me and scars and whatnot. But I'm over that now, I can see this is the only option and want it to happen.

That's all fine.

But there are two big problems now. Well, I see them as big.

1. As I do not have private health cover, I am going in as a public patient so need to go on the waiting list. Dr Yeo has no control over the waiting list, so I could be waiting a while to have this operation. His assistant said "It's much better than it used to be...used to be two years...though we did have someone who had to wait nine months..." They have ticked the box on the form that says I need to have it within 90 days, and people have been known to get lucky and be scheduled quickly due to cancellations and the like. But even so...my dreams that he would say 'we're rushing you to hospital right now!' have come crashing down.
2. I have to be SUPER careful with what I eat - which I kind of knew but was denying. I am to have no fat, no spices, no onion, no garlic; in short I can eat boiled vegetables and rice. I am sure to lose heaps of weight! But if I aggravate my already aggravated gallbladder, I could be up for septicaemia (blood poisoning) or pancreatitis, neither of which sound at all fun. So here we go, back to my favourite childhood dish, rice and soy sauce. Hurrah!
   
   Of course now that I have been explicitly informed I am not to eat anything interesting, all I can think about is food.
   

And today I feel like absolute crap. Might have something to do with the cheese I defiantly ate yesterday (guess I'll be chucking out the rest of that brie...I'm a bad girl). I'm just hoping and praying there is a cancellation and I get in sooner rather than later. Dr Yeo said that after I get the gallbladder out, I'll be able to eat whatever I like.

Bring it on!

catch up (not much to report)

Back onto the issue of health. I went to see the doctor when I got back from Katoomba, and she said I need to see a specialist and get that gallbladder outta there. That doesn't bother me; in fact, I have heard from many people who have had their gallbladders removed who say they have never felt better. So bring it on.

The thing that concerns me is that she also said if I have another 'attack' of feeling unwell, I should go to emergency at the hospital. This worries me, because I'm not sure how bad I have to feel before I go. I've been feeling pretty gross all day and have just started crying for no reason - is that bad enough? My back isn't spasming like it has done, maybe I have to wait for that. Am I being too stoic? Or will I front up to emergency with my xrays only to be told to go home?

I guess I'll wait and see how I feel in a couple of hours or so.

Aside from that, nothing much has been happening since I got back from Varuna. It already feels like it happened aeons ago, like that idyll only existed somewhere in my mind. I've written a little bit since I got home, but not much. I've just been wiped out from being back at work.

Work's been fine. We reinstiuted the Friday Thai Day with the good folk at Matthias Media next door, so that's a good chance to catch up with people once a month. I have been working for the latter part of the week on a redesign of the NTE graphics, which I really enjoy doing - I like tasks like that that I can get lost in, just spending hours pushing pixels around and coming up with something reasonably cool (actually I only enjoy it if it works, there's nothing more frustrating than mucking around with something for hours only to trash it because it's unfixable). I'll put the results up here when I've finished.

The blog's a bit boring when I'm at home, eh?



addendum:
I didn't go to hospital, you'll be pleased to know. I just went to bed. But this morning I feel like I've been run over by a very large truck.

the elusive mystery of an effective pitch

Groan. Not again.

Yep, boys and girls, I'm starting to feel sick again. I've had it with this stupid body o' mine. Just when it seems to be getting better, I have a downhill slide back into yuck. And it's got nothing to do with going back to work next week; in actual fact, even though part of me doesn't want to leave here, I haven't been at work for so long that I'm keen to catch up with what's happening (not sure how long that keenness will last once I'm back!).

I'll be seeing the doctor when I get home on Monday, so I guess it looks like I'll probably have to get something done about my gallbladder sooner rather than later. But let's not talk about that. Boring stuff that occupied this blog for far too long and no doubt when I actually have the operation I'll bore you with details about that. Something to look forward to!

Back to Varuna.

Because of feeling sick, the writing has been in fits and starts. I have continued with my effective method of writing in a cafe in the morning and then transcribing and expanding on it in the afternoon. Though today I spent most of the afternoon drifting in and out of uncomfortable sleep. But I did write what I thought was an excellent fight scene; it was very cathartic to write my two main characters screaming at each other in the middle of the street. It's also starting to feel really grounded in terms of location, and describing both Singapore and Sydney has been fun. Initially I was afraid of being a bit too specific, but I realised how much I love reading books that are set in places that I know, and seeing that location through the eyes of a writer, so I thought why not do it myself?

I've been cutting and pasting the main beast of the book as well, although it's really not very long at this stage. Even if I fill in all the blanks, I don't think it's going to be a terribly long book, although I may surprise myself. That's okay, it's the quality that matters, right? Every word, hand picked and hand crafted! A superior product of unparalleled excellence.

If only I could tell you what it's about.

It's turning into a story about relationships and friendships, set on a backdrop of two colliding cultures and exploring the space between them ... yes, sounds like I plucked that last bit right out of literary theory, can you tell? Re-reading the original thesis draft of the story, I realised I was in danger of falling into the trap I was so critical of - namely, fetishising and isolating the whole idea of cultural identity. So I've had to revisit what I really wanted to do with the piece, before I got constrained by all the MA requirements.

What I had wanted to explore and describe was the way cultural identity can't be viewed as static, as a museum piece. It's messy, it's ordinary, it's just everyday life. What someone thinks is exotic could be dull as dishwater to the person living it. The other side of that is that the cultural heritage someone takes for granted and, in fact, may even scorn, is still of some value and has its roots deep in the identity of that individual, even if they choose not to recognise it. But as I've been working on it here, I've also been developing the relationships between characters and as such they now have much more satisfying story arcs, where the cultural identity bits are part of the fabric, but not beacons that make you think I'm a one-issue candidate.

As an aside, the key terms I explored in the essay part of my thesis to describe all this were 'ambivalence' and 'complicated entanglements'. The writing of Ien Ang was particularly helpful to me here, especially her book On Not Speaking Chinese, which is a great read, even if you're not into academic writing (for one thing, she doesn't take herself too seriously, which is refreshing).

So yeah, anyway, back to the non-academic real world. The point of all this is I need to a) finish writing the damn book, and b) find a palatable, sound-bite-esque way of describing it so that when swanning around with a glass of champagne in my hand I'll be able to be confident and witty and have people fighting to publish me.

Dahlings! Any ideas welcome! I'll save you a glass of champagne.

getting better and going

blogger just ate my post so i'll have to try and remember what i was rambling about.

i'm feeling better today than i have for about three weeks, which isn't saying much considering how i've been feeling, but it is a step forward. i guess the antibiotics must be doing their magic and hopefully my poor old liver is getting better and my gallbladder has decided to behave itself for the time being. i'm still very washed out and tire very very quickly, but i did manage to get into work for a few hours yesterday so that feel like a big bonus.

and just in time, too, because in less than two days i'm off for two weeks to varuna (pictured left) for my writing fellowship retreat! i'm getting really excited now and wrapping my head around a) the fact that i won it at all, and b) that even if i don't produce a book at the end of it, this is a major step in my development as a writer.

jen has expressed concern that it sounds a little monastic - lots of time spent alone, yet in this kind of isolated community, no phone calls before six because it disturbs the other writers, no internet, write, damn you, write! stop procrastinating! (i wonder if modern day monks have internet access...what was i saying?) - but she's going to visit me towards the end of the week and we're going to go and have hot chocolate so that's some company to look forward to.

i just hope the words come. i'm sure some words will come. they may not be the ones i was expecting.



a sort of postscript:
the latest Salt magazine came out this week (this is the magazine i edit and basically the best bit of my job). this issue is all about prayer and has some great articles in it.

if you're not a subscriber you can sign up and we will send it to you for free! just send an email saying you'd like to subscribe (include your postal address) to publications [at] afes.org.au and in my absence some lovely people will send you a copy, posthaste.

the devil's in the detail

jake didn't know what i was talking about so looked up cholangitis in an online medical encyclopedia, and i must say it seems the clearest and most straightforward description that i've read so far.

the thing that has started to piss me off though, is realising just how long some of these symptoms have been a factor in my life. especially where it says abdominal pain "may radiate to the back or below the right shoulder blade". i have had almost excruciating pain in my back and, yes, below the right shoulder blade on and off for years - since the last time i went to malaysia, in fact, when i started getting horrible stomach cramps and this severe pain in my right arm. the doctor told me it was just 'referred' pain. but it was even a while after that before i was first diagnosed with all the gall stones.

i tell you, the 'below the right shoulder blade' pain is awful. it is so distracting, you can't sleep, it's hard to work, it just...well, radiates is a good word. it feels like there is something about the size of a screwdriver handle wedged behind your shoulder blade and it's surrounded by this sort of nimbus of pain. and all this time, i have been unable to do anything about it, and it might have been my gall bladder all along.

bah. i do trust my doctor (usually) and i know it's impossible for GPs to catch everything all the time, but....BAH!!!! i guess i'm just glad he was so busy in recent times that i had to see his colleague instead, because she did catch it. who knows? maybe if i do have to have surgery it will solve many of my ongoing medical problems that to this point have seemed incurable.

and today i am feeling absolutely revolting. just thought i'd let you know. :)

galling

i've emailed some of you this information in one form or another but couldn't be bothered working out how to say it again, so i've just cut and pasted (sorry!).

i had my ultrasound this morning, with lots of cold goo and someone prodding and poking my abdomen. it's never a good sign when, as soon as they put the imaging thing on your abdomen, the lab technician goes 'whoa'. she said that I had an unbelievable number of gall stones for someone so young - just lucky I guess. she had no idea what 'cholangitis' was ("we had to look it up in the book"), so i'm guessing it's not really your run-of-the-mill kind of condition. she did say that the gall bladder doesn't look inflamed, so i guess that's a good thing. she also said "I must say, you've got a really good attitude about it all" which makes me wonder whether i should be freaking out more. i choose not to.

the doctor also rang and said my latest blood test shows an improvement, so it looks like we're on the right track. hurrah! I am starting to feel a bit better so I think the antibiotics are helping, but I'm still pretty out of it. I have maybe a couple of 'good' hours, and then need to lie down again. i honestly thought i would be well enough to be at work this week, but the week's almost over and it doesn't look like i'm going to get there...

too much information?

so. went to the doctor again today. first things first - i don't have hepatitis or glandular fever! hurrah!

but...

remember a while back when it was discovered that i had many, many gallstones but the doctor said not to worry about it, we'd worry when it actually caused problems? well it seems that now may be that problem-causing time. the doctor i saw today (not my usual doctor) said she wasn't sure because the symptoms i've got are not completely consistent with this, but given my history i may have something which is delightfully called 'grumbling cholangitis', which is something to do with bile duct blockages and gall stones and other palatable topics. this may have resulted in an infection in my liver, which would explain why i've felt so rotten for the last two weeks.

so i had more blood taken, she's put me on antibiotics for the infection, and i'm off to have an abdominal ultrasound on wednesday. if her diagnosis proves to be correct, the likely end result is that i will have to have surgery to have my gall bladder removed. which will then probably mean no more rich food, no more alcohol, and, now that i think about it, probably a great weight loss as a result.

hey! i'm trying to find an upside here! i started trying to read up on it on the net and got depressed very quickly when i saw phrases in the google search like 'life-threatening', 'bowel cancer' and 'cholangitis in cats' (okay that last one just made me laugh, but still). admittedly that is for acute cases, so i'm glad mine is only 'grumbling' (how typical of me!).

so thank you for your prayers...but don't stop now... :)

one step forward...? nah.

i felt like i really needed to be at church this morning. i just wanted to be there, to hear from God's word, to see friends, to just be spiritually fed. it took all my energy to get ready and i headed down the hill, but almost as soon as i got there i knew i'd have to leave early. it's a hot and muggy sort of a day, and the air inside that church is still and stuffy and oppressive.
i ran into emma and stu as i was coming in and talking to them was almost too difficult. while singing i felt like i was going to faint, and then (how rude of me) as dave got up to preach i had to leave.

so now i'm lying back on my bed, with a fan and a very noisy portable air conditioner blowing at me, my head pounding. how awful, that i can't even make it through a church service, where nothing is required of me but to listen!

oh well. little steps i guess. i can read my Bible while i lie here and try not to feel too defeated.

convalescing

I got two lots of flowers delivered yesterday. a bunch of bright, cheerful lilies and gerberas from the equip committee, and a box of beautiful singapore orchids, which my boss delivered himself (although he didn't ring the doorbell, he just left them outside and then rang me to tell me they were there, but it was still such a wonderful surprise).

i said to my flatmate, "wow. i must be really sick!"

all joking aside, it is really lovely to know that people are thinking of you, but even better to know that they are praying for your recovery. i don't know what the reason is, but i know God's got it all under control, and me being sick is part of his purpose. i don't feel bitter about that. it would be nice if the nausea would stop, but hey - i am so lucky that i have a workplace that is sympathetic and that will cope with me being away for so long. i am lucky that i have so many people praying for me and offering to do things for me. i am lucky i have books to read and my computer to play on and DVDs to watch to stave off the boredom.

maybe lucky isn't the right word. maybe blessed is a better word.

but being well again...that would be great. so keep praying for me!

avoidance tactics

man.

i'm now sitting here watching the oscars. and i even know who won everything and who wore the ugly dresses and all that and i'm still sitting here watching the oscars. with all the unfunny scripted banter and the schmoozing and backslapping and...and yet...i can't look away. i may have to turn it off and go into another room before ere long. but hey, let's face it, i'll probably still be here in nine hours when it's still dragging on and ellen degeneres is still rambling her intro monologue.

also all i want to do is eat the remaining four chocolate billabongs in my freezer and the half a block of mint chip chocolate in the fridge. do you think it might have something to do with the fact that i'm...uh, still sick?!!!

so yeah, got the blood test back today and apparently my liver is stuffed and my blood count is down and they have to do more tests because it's clear my body is fighting something bad, possibly - yes, you guessed it - glandular fever, or even maybe hepatitis. yuck.

though i have to say, will smith is really attractive when he laughs. hey, he's attractive even when he doesn't laugh.

oh good lord it's just devolved into some weird song with a gospel choir and ellen is waving a tambourine around. and now daniel craig and nicole kidman are presenting the first award and they look like robots. they sound like robots too.

i think i'm going to have to get that box of billabongs.

would it be churlish to say "it's not fair!"?

i appear to be sick again. have been in bed for the better part of the last three days, feeling much the same as i did a few weeks ago when i got that awful virus. went to the doctor today for a blood test, but she said "most likely it will show that you're just really unlucky and got another virus within two weeks of getting over the last one."

aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggh!!!

and i'd been doing so well. feeling the best i'd felt in ages, going to the gym, going out and catching up with friends...i refuse to think i'd overdone it because those were just normal, ordinary things, nothing that extreme. but then i have to remember, in my case, the batteries do wear down very quickly and normal, ordinary things can become unscaleable mountains. damn it.

well this time i'm doing the right thing. i am listening to my body, staying in bed, not attempting to leave the house. it sucks but the doctor told me if i don't rest then what starts as 'just' a virus will end up being a lot worse.

so i bought myself a trashy fashion magazine to read in bed as consolation. it hasn't helped, though in a several page recap of oscar fashions from 2006, it has got me well and truly primed for this years' awards season, something that was obviously sorely lacking in my life up until this point. is it the delirium, or do you also find that after a while all the starlets and their plastic smiles start to blend into one?

unfevered

i don't have glandular fever! hurrah! i do, however, have a 'nasty virus' that requires me to stay at home until the end of the week. it's nice to have the bit of paper from the doctor that prevents me from feeling guilty about being sick - what is it about that? i don't know where that complex has come from.

world record

well i lasted all of one and a half hours at work. still, it's amazing how much more efficient you can be when you suspect your fuse is about to blow out. answered a whole stack of emails and delegated things and signed cheques and prepared an invoice...so it feels like things are still humming along instead of piling up.