Why should anyone be frightened of a hat?

Next post in the series is supposed to be on body image. I have lots of thoughts on body image as you know. But I am just too fried to write anything decent tonight.

I have mapped out my next six weeks at work and the thought of having to get through it all makes me feel a little sick. There is so much work. But only one me. And it just never seems to end. I don't know how I can go on at this pace. I think when I started at this job there was already enough work to completely fill my time. And in the two and a bit years that I've been there, it feels like it's doubled. How is that possible?

There's that quote, "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Yeah, but you still have to eat an elephant. I would rather let this boa constrictor eat the elephant.

(a page from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)

Winning at work

If you've ever been afraid or embarrassed about crying at work and want to take it up a level, do what I did today: crying to the point of barely being able to talk as you sit and report about your job to 11 of your colleagues, including your brand new boss who you've only just met and the chairman of the board.

Everyone was very kind of course and I got lots of hugs and thanks for being honest. But possibly not my finest hour.

Pointless worrying about the unknown quantity (aka sometimes I get tired)

Something I often get anxious about is not knowing what my energy levels will be like on any given day. If you've never experienced a bone wearying exhaustion that seems to come for no reason (ie, the tiredness comes not because you've been running a marathon, or just moved house, or been awake for 72 hours straight, but because you've just been...alive) then that worry might seem completely alien. Or you might say, "just make sure you get plenty of rest!" and think that plenty of rest would help.

Yeah, not always.

Sometimes the tiredness is so acute that I don't know if I ought to be on the road. Sometimes I have the appearance of being awake and alert but my brain is basically on screensaver and my limbs feel like lead. Sometimes I sleep and wake up even tireder than I was before I lay down. Sometimes I'm so tired, all I can do is cry.

Working against me are two things: thalassemia (which is a genetic blood disorder that basically means I don't get enough oxygen going round in my blood, so I can get tired very easily) and depression (which is an inexplicable bastard of a thing that basically could bite at any time, so I can get tired very easily). And also, to a lesser degree, having an introverted personality where I recharge by being alone rather than with groups of people. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy groups of people, it just means that my capacity for interaction is limited, and rapidly drains me rather than energising me.

But the depression is the thing that keeps me focused on the what if? instead of just taking life as it comes.

So this week I have two things which I am trying not to be anxious about. From Monday to Thursday I'll be at staff retreat in the Blue Mountains, with a fantastic group of people, eating food, looking at God's word and thinking big picture things about work. This is all good. And my colleagues are aware of my need for rest, and respect that. But just the nature of being in a house full of 10 other people, you have lots of conversations, you participate and engage, because that's the whole point, and I know that when I come home on Thursday night I'll probably just crash.

Then on the weekend, it flips and I'll go from being in a house full of people I know and who want to engage with me to being in a room full of people I don't know, having to push myself to interact. On Friday, I fly to Melbourne for the Big Hearted Business (un)conference, which I have been greatly anticipating for months. It will be two jam packed days of (hopefully) inspiring talks and activities and being around many creative people who have similar thoughts, dreams and struggles.

I'm going on my own so I'll have to talk to people I don't know. I'll have to explain who I am and what I do, because that's kind of the point. And I'll have to travel around by myself in a city I don't really know that well, so will have to be paying attention. Aside from which, I want to suck the marrow out of this (un)conference! I want to come away with renewed passion and vision for my creative work! I want to launch off into the stratosphere and...

Thud. I keep coming back to "but what if you're too tired? What if you're too tired to take in information at staff retreat? What if you're too tired to explain things? What if you're too tired to get around Melbourne and you get lost? What if you're too tired to interact with people? What if you're too tired to take anything in all week and it's all just a waste? What if..."

Silly brain! Why worry about things you don't know about?

Two of my favourite Bible passages which I feel I should tattoo on the back of my hands (it's okay, mum, I won't):

Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

and

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
Matthew 6:25-27

Take that, brain. I'm going to have a great week with great people. And there's nothing you can do about it.

Randomly

I keep thinking I need to marshall all my thoughts and write coherent blog posts before I post anything, so then weeks go by where I don't write because I either don't have the time or haven't worked out what I want to say. But as the always inspiring Pip Lincolne reminded me with her blog post this morning, sometimes you can just blog random things and that's fine. So I'll do that.

I used to blog random things a lot more, in the part of my blog that you can't read anymore because I kind of lost it. Well I have bits of it. But it's really not worth the time it would take to fix it up and re-import it.

I remember when people started saying 'random' a lot (yes kids, there was a time when they didn't). I teased my friend Bek, who was a uni tutor at the time, because she started saying it so much as a result of being around uni students who said it all the time. "That's so random." Even when it wasn't random at all.

Very much enjoying the weather cooling down. Soon it will be cool enough to wear my Bootmakers boots again!

The camellia hedge out the front of our house has exploded in pinky white blossom. It's such a generous plant; it demands hardly any care and gives in abundance.

I find the tyranny of routine frustrating, even though the things that I have to do are great. Every week mapped out like the one before it. Get up. Get ready for work. Drive 50-60 mins to work. Work. Drive 50-60 mins home. Go to thing in the evening. Come home, want to do other things but need to go to bed so I can get up and do it all again.

I think that's why I don't like committing to courses and classes and regular things because that's your Monday night taken, that's your Tuesday night taken, etc. I like having blank days/nights that I can fill with whatever I find, depending on energy levels and how I feel. I'm not Gen Y so I won't say it's Gen Y, and it's certainly not waiting to see if something better comes along...it's just I don't know how I'll feel on any given evening after work.

The two things I've committed to this year are growth group, which means I get to spend time with great people getting stuck into the Bible, and bellydancing, which is fun and exercise. I don't get enough exercise. I would love to box, but realistically it's not me. I'd love to be the sort of person who could just lace up her shoes and run, but that's not me. I'm not saying I can't do these things, because I can, it's just they don't hold my interest long term. But I keep coming back to bellydancing. It's gentle and fun and the women in my current class are great and I always leave with a big smile on my face. So it's worth it.

my jingly jangly bellydancing hip scarf

I will write more about why at some point but I've started studying relaxation massage with ACM, by correspondence. I've got a whole bunch of books and DVDs to work through, at my own pace, so I don't have the pressure of filling up more nights or weekends with classes, but I can just slot it in wherever. I have to do a certain number of logbook hours, practising massages, and the final task is to go in and be assessed. I gave my first two massages last week, to mum and Georgina. I'm finding the whole thing quite fascinating, and giving the massages is quite rewarding; it puts me in a peaceful, calm state of mind to focus on someone else and their wellbeing. It's also good exercise, incidentally.

she was a daytripper

My weekends have been so busy lately, and this past weekend I completely cleared so that I could have some time to rest and repair. And I ended up photographing (a whole bunch of TalulaMei stock I had made but hadn't gotten round to Etsying yet) and sewing (but not for TalulaMei, for myself). I watched lots of Freaks and Geeks and finished The Newsroom and made myself a Daytripper bag (from a Dog Under My Desk pattern). It took me a long time but I absolutely love it. I wasn't planning to add it to my regular TalulaMei repertoire, as it does take so long. But it got a very positive reaction. So maybe I will make a couple and see whether they sell.

Wow this got quite long once I got started. I really need to write more.

Vote for me!

Hello! If you don't have time to read this, just click here and vote for me. :) But if you want to know what it's about, keep reading.

It's been a busy few weeks. Work is full on at the moment, in that unrelenting way that it sometimes seems to have. I'm trying just to do my work in bite sized chunks, rather than being overwhelmed by the whole of it. I never seem to have a 'down season'. But then, as mum pointed out to me today, at her work (also a not for profit Christian organisation), they have three full time people and one part time person doing my job.

I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse.

On the creative pursuits front, I did Glebe Markets with my TalulaMei stuff - it wasn't a financial success, but it was a worthwhile experiment, if only to teach me that just because people like your stuff doesn't mean they'll buy it if it's in the wrong context! People wanted bargains at Glebe Markets, not handmade stuff. Well, at least I know that now! As Guy would mutter, when people commented that Sammi's dolls at my neighbouring stall were cute: "Cute don't pay the bills!" So now I know that not just any market will do. It has to be the right market.

But the reason for this post is I need your help.

I've made a 2 minute video answering the question "How does my creativity contribute to the world?" as part of my application to get a Big Hearted Business conference scholarship (worth about $500). I'm not sure I know enough people to get the max number of votes required for the peoples' choice award, but it doesn't hurt to try, right? (and who knows, maybe I'll win one of the other scholarships!)

Even though details of the conference haven't been released yet, I know from what I've seen of last year's event that it will be inspiring, nourishing, exciting, challenging, and I really, really, really want to go. Making the video was a good exercise - I am assuming that the reason behind asking entrants to do something creative and with only a couple of weeks' notice was to get people making things, exploring the reasons they do what they do, and not getting hung up on perfectionism. I had different ideas for the video but in the end just had to do it. I wrote something, filmed it and put it on youtube in a little over an hour. Just got to get it out there!

Voting is on Facebook, so if you have a Facebook account, please watch my video (it should be the top one on the page) and click the little vote button! Voting is open until Sunday and you can vote once a day, so...you know...vote often!

After Sunday I'll put the video up here, but I'll send you to watch it via the link for now so as not to confuse the voting issue.

Thank you in advance!

Vote for Bec!

Just standing around

I'm fascinated by the idea of standing desks, but they are very expensive. Articles pop up fairly frequently advocating standing for longer during the day, rather than just sitting (Lifehacker is a particular fan of this mode of working). And even though work bought me an amazing chair, my posture is usually terrible and I am so aware of how much I sit during the day, just because...well, I work at a computer.

I liked the look of the Varidesk as a non-permanent, adjustable solution but it's $300+, and that's a lot of money to spend on something when you don't know if it'll suit your way of working.

I'm the only one in the office today so I've decided while nobody else is here and I don't have to explain what I'm doing, I'd set up the simplest version of a standing desk and try it out for the day. We have a set of Ikea nesting tables out in the common area and the smallest one is the perfect height for my monitor. The other good thing I thought is that because I have a laptop/monitor set up rather than a desktop computer, when I want to sit down I can just flip up the laptop screen and work off that.

Our floors are carpeted and are very comfortable in bare feet. I've only been standing here for 11 minutes so far so maybe I won't be feeling so excited about it after a few hours. But we'll see.

The only dodgy thing so far is working out the keyboard/mouse arrangement. I've got the keyboard stacked up on a couple of file boxes so it's at the right height, but it looks a bit silly. But if it works for me today, then I might investigate a more elegant solution.

Hurrah for experiments! Have you worked at a standing desk? Any tips? Did you love it or hate it?

on retreat

Twice a year our staff team comes together from all over the state and hangs out for a few days. This time we are at a huge, well-equipped house in Faulconbridge that belongs to a board member/volunteer and I like the sprawling, homey, comfortable nature of it.

Things I have thought over the past few days at staff retreat:

• I work with a great bunch of people from a huge variety of backgrounds, with a lot of life experience, united by the love of God
• I am the only single person in a team of 12 people. It doesn't make me feel bad, it just struck me.
• Lying on a deck in the sun under a bright blue sky is pretty great and I love being in the Blue Mountains
• I can't cope with multiple conversations happening at once or people with exceptionally loud voices getting excited
• I really need to be alone a lot of the time, but being alone is not always a good idea
• Crocheting cats is quite easy and brings quite a lot of joy to people when they see the finished product - especially to the little bub who's along for the retreat :) (I made him a kitten)
• Sleeping in a queen size bed is really wonderful when you're usually in a single
• Having your own room when you're away with a big group of people is luxury (and so kind)
• I am still always tired
• My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do (it's true!)
• Taking time to just be still with God is so rewarding and yet something I find so hard to do on normal days
• I'm sick of always talking about having depression and yet talking about it is really important
• Weird things (like toothpaste...?!) make me miss people unexpectedly
• Some people have seemingly unlimited amounts of energy and it's hard not to be jealous of that

caramel pudding helps

I want to write something, but I don't know what. This week has been a horrible one in lots of ways. It's hard to keep being a functional human being when you're plodding along. You don't want to carry a sign over your head, saying "depressed today" but if you don't tell people, they don't know. They just wonder why you're especially irritable or monosyllabic or red-eyed or starey.

I feel like I've achieved a lot by actually getting up and going to work each day. And even though I'm not working as efficiently as I could, I am getting through things on my long list. So things aren't as bleak as all that.

But I hate how when you're trying to process something or work through emotional stuff, you just have to keep going even though it feels like the whole world ought to stop turning for a while so you can sort stuff out.

Today I snapped at one of our hard working volunteers and he snapped back at me...after a while I went and apologised to him and he apologised to me, so no harm done. He was having a bad day too, it turns out. But I felt ashamed that I had let my emotions get the better of me and lashed out at someone for no reason. I guess we think we're more in control or more self aware than we are, most of the time.

As I wrote the above, my colleague Tiff just brought me a bowl of caramel apple pudding and custard. Some people just get it.

peopled out

I'm at a staff retreat on the central coast. There's nine of us in a two storey house. It's a great bunch of people and there has been much information imparted and many hilarious stories have been flowing...but sometimes it just gets too much for this introvert. I've had to retreat from the retreat a few times today and just hide away in my room. After lunch I just zonked out and fell asleep while the others went for a walk.

It's especially hard when there are three conversations going at once, involving people with loud voices, who get louder so they can be heard over the other conversations. I feel like I used to feel as a child when we would go to eat at Chinese restaurants with large groups of people and, tired, I would put my head down on the table after the meal and just hear words smashing and swirling around me without any sense of what they meant.

The last couple of weeks I've been reading Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking by Susan Cain, a book I heartily recommend to any introverts who don't understand why they don't seem to fit in the world as easily as others, or extroverts who may want to understand what makes introverts tick a bit better. It's definitely skewed towards the introvert rather than being a balanced assessment of introverts and extroverts, a bias which Cain readily admits in her closing notes. But I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing; as an introvert I've found it helpful to have things that I've long internalised articulated so clearly it's made me go "Of course! That's why I feel that way!"

So I don't feel especially bad for hiding away. I'm carving myself what Cain refers to as a "restorative niche" (using a term coined by psychologist Brian Little). I'm frustrated that I'm so drained I feel like crying, and yet I don't necessarily want to go to sleep. I just want some quiet time. 

I tried to observe myself a bit today, and I understand why people who don't know me well are surprised to learn I'm an introvert. When I participate in conversation I joke and quip, I laugh loudly, I give my opinion freely. But it's almost like running sprints. I have bursts of being a "pseudo extrovert" and then need to recharge again before the next burst. Being a pseudo extrovert is pretty much how I operate though. Everyone laughed at dinner when I said I have no trouble getting up at church, singing in front of a crowd, warmly saying to everyone at the end of the service, "I'll see you at supper!" silently adding, "No you won't!" and then hiding away, packing up gear and rolling cables so I don't have to talk to anyone.

I'll leave you with this bit from the end of Quiet, which sums it up well:

Whoever you are, bear in mind that appearance is not reality. Some people act like extroverts, but the effort costs them in energy, authenticity and even physical health. Others seem aloof or self-contained but their inner landscapes are rich and full of drama. So the next time you see a person with a composed face and soft voice, remember that inside her mind she might be solving an equation, composing a sonnet, designing a hat. She might, that is, be deploying the powers of quiet. We know from myths and fairy tales that there are many kinds of powers in this world. One child is given a light saber, another a wizard's education. The trick is not to amass all the different kinds of available power, but to use well the kind you've been granted. Introverts are offered keys to private gardens full of riches. To possess such a key is to tumble, like Alice, down her rabbit hole. She didn't choose to go to Wonderland, but she made of it an adventure that was fresh and fantastic and very much her own. Lewis Carroll was an introvert too, by the way.

Quiet, Susan Cain, chapter 8 (transcribed from the Audible book)

You never know. I might be designing a hat.

the difficulty of picking just one thing

I know I sound like a broken record, going on all the time about how tired I am. But I'm really tired. It seems unfair, really, given that it's only the beginning of the year and I've recently had time off.

I'm very blessed to be working with people who understand and who urge me to take it slow. I do still feel guilty when I have to work at home, even though it's perfectly legitimate! Maybe it just doesn't feel like I'm working as hard when I'm lying on the couch with my laptop as opposed to sitting up at a desk, even if I'm doing the exact same work. But anyway, I'm glad they understand that sometimes I just can't drive to the office.

Tuesday was a bit scary. I had to go up to Cooranbong to man the SU resources table at a conference. It's only one hour and 45 mins drive from home, not a big deal at all. I left at 6:30am, had to pull over at Berowra for 10 mins and then again at the F3 Maccas. I intended to just stretch my legs, but I didn't even get out of the car. Next thing I knew, I was waking up 20 minutes later. The rest of the day just felt like stumbling through a fog. I was supposed to drive up again yesterday and just couldn't do it. Thankfully the world didn't end, everyone understood, and I slept half the day.

I'm going to reinstitute the one-thing-per-day rule again. Maybe just for a while. I still hate that my body doesn't let me pack a day and night full of activity. I say yes to things, because there are so many wonderful things to say yes to. So it's not even like I'm trying to wriggle out of commitments that I don't want to fulfill. I can't even do the things I want to do sometimes, which is disappointing.

So this weekend is the Australia Day long weekend. I realised I was quite pleased because it meant there was no Big Thing to do at church as there is on Christmas and Easter holidays! But that doesn't mean it's going to be quiet. I'm going to see Neil Gaiman tomorrow night after work, the Secret River on Saturday, church (incl music) on Sunday, Rog's 50th birthday (incl music) on Monday. All great things and none especially taxing. Yet it starts adding up...

I was supposed to see the Hobbit with Karen on Saturday too, and go to dinner at George's on Monday, both wonderful things...and yet I started to feel panicky thinking about a weekend with something on most days and nights. Sadly I declined the movie and probably dinner too, sad to not spend time with my girlfriends, but knowing they understand (indeed, they are ones who counsel me to say no to things and rest more often!). But actually, I'm seeing Neil with Karen (and Guan), and the Secret River with George (and mum) so I won't be missing out on them altogether! But it's hard to say no to good things, especially when you feel like it's for no good reason (even though of course looking after yourself is a very good reason).

I said to T at work that there must be people in the world who wake up in the morning feeling good and look forward to what the day has in store. She said, almost apologetically, "I do." I would just love to wake up, full of energy and without being distracted by how I physically feel. But I guess God has made me this way for a reason, and I know he is glorifying himself through me by changing me and teaching me to persevere. Like a zombie.

Zombies are very persistent!

brain drain

It's been a big, exhausting and interesting week. Engage was fantastic but I hit a few emotional speedbumps along the way and got peopled-out pretty quickly. The Ministry Intensive was also fantastic but...intense. And today I resigned from AFES (I'll be here til Christmastime). So all up it's been huge, physically, emotionally, pretty much in every way you could imagine.

I'll post some musings about the talks, etc, soon, but just thought I'd keep y'all up to date.

words

So as I said, the latest Salt Magazine is out. We've gotten heaps of really positive feedback about it, which is always encouraging!

One thing that I find curious, though, is how people deliver criticisms. We had one letter from a supporter who largely praised the magazine, had a couple of quibbles about certain points in some of the articles, but was particularly annoyed by the "stupid use of colour" on one of the pages where the text was over the top of a grey background. I do take her point, if you are in your 80s (as she is) and your eyesight isn't perfect it might not be that easy to read. But:

a) it's not designed for 80 year olds, it's designed for uni students who presumably don't have as much difficulty reading over that kind of design (and personally, in the article she referred to, I had no trouble reading it);
b) how is it helpful to use the word 'stupid'?

I've read (and been on the receiving end) of some really nasty criticism/feedback in the secular world, and of course by comparison this is exceedingly mild. I know that people are generally fairly careless in their giving of feedback, especially when it's done via letter or email or on a forum where they don't actually have to speak to the person face to face. But something in me is disappointed that this Christian, who wasn't backward in telling us what she thought about theological points we had raised, wasn't a little more gracious in her word choice. Not to say that she shouldn't have written the letter, but maybe she should have considered whether the person who made that "stupid use of colour" was actually going to read the letter herself.

I'm not really upset about it, especially as she said some other lovely things about the magazine. I just thought it was a chance to raise (yet again), how important words are, and how careful we need to be with them.

weekend

It's been a busy, up-and-down kind of week. One where I struggled with fluctuating emotion and energy levels but thankfully got through to the end and a really refreshing weekend. Some highlights of the week:

• Salt came back from the printer's this week, and we did a major mailout to over 4000 supporters. I was going to take a photo of all the boxes of envelopes, but really it isn't anything that needs to be immortalised. If you're an AFES supporter you should receive a copy of Salt and a 2009 wallplanner soon (designed by me!). If you're not a supporter and want a copy of either, let me know and I'll hook you up.

• I managed to get up at 6am on Wednesday for the second week in a row to go to pilates. Although it is counter-intuitive to my night-owl ways, I actually find it easier to make time for exercise in the morning than the afternoon. And it gives me a good energy/endorphin boost for the rest of the day. This coming week I'm going to try adding another class (pump, which I've never done before and is apparently all about weights) in the effort to trick myself into developing an exercise routine.

• On Thursday Karen and I went to Carriageworks to see the Sydney Dance Company. It's a fantastic space - I think in an earlier incarnation it was where I saw an excellent ATYP production of Henry V complete with live horses and mud filled battlefield - and set me to dreaming of hosting a steampunk ball there. If only I knew more than two other people who thought steampunk was cool, it might actually be a possibility...
  
  Anyway, K had managed to get $20 tickets to 360°. I knew nothing about it, and after seeing it I think I'd still have trouble describing it to you. It was dark, fluid, a little disturbing at times and made great use of two gigantic mirrored panels running at angles across the stage. It was fascinating, sure, and the dancers are incredibly talented. But I spent most of it fighting the urge to scream at two of the female dancers "EAT SOMETHING!" Talented, but way too thin. So that kind of distracted me too much throughout.
  
  I actually much preferred the 20 minute show that played in the lobby beforehand, called Love Instalment. It's part of what the SDC is calling its 'overture series', giving up and coming choreographers a chance to display their talents. There were five boxing rings set up throughout the foyer, each with a couple of dancers inside. They all danced independent sequences simultaneously to the sparse but driving musical accompaniment of violinist Nick Wales and drummer Bree van Reykand, and then occasionally the choreography would come together and all five stages would be working together to create a whole. I also liked standing on the ground and looking up at the performance, and thought the whole thing worked really well.
  
  It was also just great to hang out with K, eat a delicious dinner at Urban Bites and to do something out of the ordinary.
  
  
• Yesterday mum gave me back the study. I've been experimenting with different spaces through the house to work in but haven't been comfortable in any of them. Mum said I could use the study and she was happy to have her computer in her room. So I spent yesterday moving things around, tidying up and making a comfortable space. I love doing that, it makes me feel like I have a bit of control when things are hard to cope with in other spheres of my life.
  
  
• Today has been one of those wonderful gifts of a Sunday, quiet and sunny, with time to do my washing and sit in the sun and play the piano. And now I'm off to a music meeting at church where we're going to talk about why we do music ministry, and we'll also play through some new songs.

Hope you're enjoying your Sunday too!

Public Service Announcement

We have council garbage and recycling bins at our office. No longer do we have to take rubbish home or illegally deposit the office garbage in the street bins. Yes, we have moved to unheard-of levels of sanitation here in Kingsford.

Through all the sarcasm, I am actually grateful for this. Amazing how such small things make such a big difference.

I'm chugging along with Salt - I'm in the final design stretches now, and hopefully it should be ready to go to print by the end of the week. Which is tomorrow. Er. Hmm.

Tomorrow I also have a review with my boss, and a taskforce meeting for SPRTE. Then counselling. Might be seeing the Dark Knight in the evening with Dave if I haven't completely melted down by then. On Saturday, I'm speaking and presenting a seminar at the Faithful Writer conference. And in the evening going to see Sigur Ros at the Hordern with Guan and Duncan.

I'm glad I have nothing to do tonight - methinks an early bedtime is in order.

I'm sure there was weekend in there somewhere

So I've pretty much settled into my new office downstairs. There's so much space, it's almost the exact opposite to what I had upstairs. This week Mark's on holidays and the other tenants haven't quite moved in yet, so I have this absolutely massive space all to myself. It's so much easier to concentrate, to just focus on a task until it's finished and get a lot of little bitsy things done. We're still working on keeping the communication flowing freely between the two offices and maintaining relationships. It's good, I guess - ducking upstairs every couple of hours to say hi is a tiny bit of exercise I wouldn't otherwise get!

The weekend seems so far away now, though. On Saturday I went to Word By Word (the Christian writing group), and Karen and I did a test run of our seminar on Writers and Editors that we'll be presenting at the Faithful Writer in a few weeks' time. I had been having a bit of a meltdown about my writing and abilities and just life generally, though, and hadn't been able to wrap my brain around it at all. Thankfully Karen was way more organised than me, had even printed me session notes, and we managed to get through it quite well. I had a little cry in the stairwell and then had to nap during writing time because I was just exhausted. But I needed Karen to say "I think you're burned out and shouldn't write today," for me to go 'hey I think I'm burned out and shouldn't write today'. Funny how we don't let ourselves off the hook sometimes, but seem to need others to tell us it's okay. Thank God for wonderful friends who know what it feels like and keep an eye on me!

I played Wii at Guan and Mary's for a while, and then went to Bondi Junction with mum to buy a computer game to distract me. I couldn't find Civ IV and ended up buying...er...the Sims Life Stories instead. It's a very pointless game. But it's kind of fun to just muck around, dressing up characters, building them houses, and seeing the Sims interact with one another. Though having played it for a little bit now, I'm kind of disturbed by the emphasis on physical relationships that didn't used to be there. And of course, there is no spiritual dimension to these Sims. I don't think that even occurred to me years ago when I used to play the Sims 1.

(Jen doesn't understand how I can enjoy such a game - I think she ranted once about how the Sims didn't do what you told them to, which is a little too much like real life for her liking - but there is something in it that allows me to detach myself from my rambling brain, I don't have to do or achieve anything. It's kind of like a computer version of playing around in the sandpit.)

Sunday was quiet and restful. I did several loads of washing, planted my desiree potatoes in the raised bed I made for them (happy potatoes!), and played with the cat in the sun. Mum and I went out in the late afternoon to buy her an electric blanket, and just twenty minutes in the Supacenta at Moore Park was enough to make me feel miserable again. That place just gets me down.

I headed off to Unichurch at 6.30 to hear Guan preach his first sermon, on the end of 1 John. It was a really good sermon, with lots of jokes that I wasn't the only one laughing at (mum and I have earned ourselves a reputation as a 'good audience' because we'll laugh at any joke in a sermon, no matter how lame (though yours weren't lame, G)), and good, solid challenges and encouragements.

Then home again, home again, jiggity jig and the weekend had evaporated, just like that.

space: the final frontier

So it's finally happened! Mark and I have made the looong trek down one flight of stairs to our new offices (the way the rest of the office has been reacting it's like we've moved an hour's drive away, but we're still in the same building). The space has been divided into five large offices, and we have the two biggest. The other offices are still empty at the moment, so it's a little surreal to wander through this brand new and completely blank suite of rooms. But gradually we are making them our own; our books are out, the Salt display wall is up and someday soon I'll be bringing my dad's couch in from my garage so we have somewhere comfy to have meetings.

I'm already happier to be at work. Amazing the influence your environment can have on you. Well not really - going from having a desk in an open space where I could hear everyone in the office's conversations no matter how quietly they tried to talk, to a large room that I can shut the door on...I'd be worried if it didn't make me more productive. It's luxury, I tell ya!

salty apples

My pet project at work is webSalt, but sadly (and possibly because it's seen as a pet project) I don't get much time to devote to it.

How odd that on a day when I'm sick at home, away from the hustle and bustle of the office, I have sudden inspiration to write an article!

Check it out (it's a rant about the new Sydney Apple Store). Hopefully there'll be lots more coming soon.

gratitude and grace

It's been cold and rainy and windy these last few days. Finally weather that warrants a coat and thick scarf and a hat. It's also best when you're indoors, even better when you can sleep or you're with friends.

Saturday I just slept and pottered and slept a bit more. Sunday was a City Writing Day, except we had it at The Sweet Spot at The Spot. Ben came too and we ate yummy cakes and all tried to harness the writing bug (it's a very tiny bug with a very tiny harness...). I just wasn't in the mood to write, even though I had been looking forward to hanging out with my fellow writerly friends for a couple of months. My head was cloudy and sad, and try as I might I couldn't think of anything I wanted to write. I did manage to get some stuff down; it was just writing for writing's sake, but sometimes that is much better than a blank page.

Karen wins at boxing...or was it baseball?

Then we got Thai takeaway and went back to the Uns' place to eat and play Wii. I think I get as much fun watching people play Wii as actually playing it myself. We laughed a lot, which was much needed by all. Though by the end of the afternoon I was getting a little weary. M came home from visiting her parents, so the Beilzes and I took our leave and headed out into the rainy afternoon.

We went to church, and it was another great Kurt sermon about Paul and his Christian journey in Acts. He started off with the startling comparison between Paul and a modern-day suicide bomber, saying that to contemporary Australians there probably wouldn't seem to be much difference between the two. However a suicide bomber is ready to die so that others will die; Paul was ready to die to bring others life in Jesus. The key thing was Paul's attitude; he had already gone to Jerusalem expecting death, so fearlessly proclaimed Christ because after all, to Paul "to live is Christ, to die is gain". Kurt said that although we aren't facing death like that, are we willing to die to our ambition, life goals, comfort, security for the sake of the gospel? If we're struggling to live for Jesus, maybe it's because we still think we have life apart from Jesus. But the fact is, we don't.

I've heard a few talks like this recently and it really does challenge me, especially in the area of work. I complain and gripe about work and the money and all those standard bitching and moaning things, but really what am I complaining about? If I am committed to the spread of the gospel, and am serious about the fact that my job contributes to that, then I should be honoured to work where I do. And I am.

the AFES staff at conference last week

I am grateful to work in a place where we get to open the Bible together and study it every day. I am grateful to work with colleagues who are constantly striving to be more godly. I am grateful to have the chance to think about living as a Christian as part of my job, and to write about those things, to encourage others. That doesn't mean the work is going to be easy, in fact, it probably means the exact opposite. And we're still a bunch of sinful humans messing things up and getting frustrated and irritated with one another, getting tired and stressed, not coping with life generally. But I guess the difference is that because we are trying to be more godly, and trying to remember that we are serving Christ in our work, we apologise, we seek resolution, we try harder next time. So I shouldn't be discouraged by work, but I should be encouraged, and should go to it gladly.

Some days that's easier to do than others. But with God's grace, I struggle on.

TGIF

I am so glad it's Friday. It's been quite a big week actually.

• Work was a bit up-and-down for me, with a lot of pressure and the initial freak-out of how I was going to deal with all that pressure. I think I've managed to get my head above it and work out how to move through it all without imploding. Have actually managed to get a lot of things ticked off my list, which is immensely satisfying.
  
• Had the MRI, get the results this weekend.
• Had two acupuncture appointments for my headaches.
  
• Saw a new counsellor for the first time. I think it's going to be very helpful; she seems lovely and the conversation flowed freely. We'll see what comes out of it. But as always, when you have to go over the story of your life and how you got to this point, it can be quite exhausting and can drag emotions out of you that you weren't expecting.
  

But now that we've finally gotten to Friday, I'm glad to report that I'm feeling better than I have all week, well enough to embark upon a new creative project. I've started to make this quilt which might seem a bit hokey to some of you, but I think it's going to be interesting to do. It would be a great quilt to do in a church craft group; you could do one block a month and do a study on each part of the Bible the block represents. My godmother and I were thinking of starting a quilting group for Christian women in the area, but we've not managed to get in sync with our timing yet (it's mainly me and my busyness, I'm pretty sure she'd be excited to do it anytime). It might happen one day, you never know.

I've almost finished the Walls of Jericho block tonight while watching Gilmore Girls season 7 with mum. I don't have a sewing machine, so am sewing it all by hand, but I'm in no rush so it doesn't bother me. A few days ago I was in such a mire of blackness I couldn't even fathom how I would start a new project. So this is a Very Good Thing indeed!

Comedown

Hasn't been much to report since I got back. Though I was very glad to get home and see my mum and my friends again, it's been very hard to get back into the daily routine. I'm not sure how long it's supposed to take to get over jetlag, but I have a feeling the two coughing German lads sitting beside me on the plane may have given me a cold, because I've definitely felt under the weather since returning.

Work is...work. I experienced a sort of stressful anxiety on Monday, being propelled straight back into the melée, facing a full email inbox and a to-do list that my boss had drawn up for me. I don't know why this rankled so; I know he was just clearing out the to-do lists in his own head, but I already was aware of all the things I had to do (they're written up on my calendar, having been planned since the beginning of the year), so having them written down for me again made me feel as though I wasn't in control of my own job. Or was being checked up on. Or something.

We had a training session that morning, though, which helped me calm down at bit. Mark talked us through goal-setting, and encouraged us to write up a 'Spiritual Development Plan' for the year (this will be nothing new to anyone doing MTS). This helped me to think about things that I want to do, both personally and professionally, and to write clear, concrete, SMART goals* for myself.

And it's no surprise to anyone who knows me and my sleepy ways, but I am starting to think that perhaps I need to start and finish work later. Maybe still get up at the same time, but have an extra hour where I can potter around and eat a leisurely breakfast and sit in the sun for ten minutes, rather than dragging myself out of bed and turning up to work miserable. And then maybe finish around 5.00 (like normal people). I don't know how people at work would take that, but I have a feeling this might be easier to achieve in a couple of months when the offices downstairs are finished and Mark and I can move down there. I'll be less bound by the routines of the rest of the office, and, hopefully, will be able to get my work done at my own pace.

Part of me fears that this won't be the case, that even after a change of environment and trying to set up systems to help me cope with life a bit more, that I will still find everything immensely difficult and trying. It's hard not to feel like a hypochondriac or like I'm on a perennial downer. I shouldn't worry so much about what other people think, but it does make me anxious.

The holiday was so good but oh how quickly it drains away.


* SMART goals – Specific/Stretching, Measurable, Attractive, Realistic, Time-bound