ramble

I keep opening this screen, intending to write, and then just stare until I give in and shut the browser down. A lot has been happening and yet not much at all. There’s lots of stuff going on that I feel isn’t appropriate to discuss in this space - which will shock you, I know, given some of the other stuff I’ve written about. But I guess it’s not prudent or kind to talk about situations involving other people ...well it’s gossip really, I suppose.

All I can say is how I’m feeling at the moment.

I’m feeling simultaneously encouraged and burdened by life and relationships, which I guess is how it goes. I have had a period of a few weeks where I’ve been finding things more of a struggle than normal. Have been just really tired, really emotional, really anxious. Have gone up a step on my medication in the hope that it will help me even out a bit (the doctor said I could). It hasn’t quite stabilised yet (these things often take about three weeks to really kick in when you go up or down with anti depressants) but hopefully I’ll feel the effects soon. All I’ve been wanting to do is sleep the past week, but when I do sleep it’s not especially restful. Weird dreams and unexplained waking up. Yesterday I slept for 13 hours but still felt exhausted (I know that often happens when you oversleep anyway, so that doesn’t help).

I led singing at the Wild Street women’s day yesterday with George and Tamara. The day’s theme was ‘Wholehearted Faith’, so one of the songs we chose was Great is Thy Faithfulness, which I haven’t sung for years and years. I was doing fine with it until the last verse, which I’d even mentioned in my intro:

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

I just got all choked up by the third line and started to cry. Encouraged by the truth of it and also broken by acknowledging how much I need God. Broken and thankful. I don’t know, it’s very confusing. But then I could sing out “Great is thy faithfulness!” with great gusto, even if my voice was warbly and cracking (I put the mic down so no one else would have to hear it!).

Thankfully I have finished a lot of the paid work I had over the last several weeks, so I can concentrate on Wild Street and college work now. College has been immensely encouraging, but at the same time very draining. It’s hard being around people so long every day when I’ve been mostly on my own during the day for the last year. I find morning tea and lunch times quite hard because I actually have to (gasp!) talk to people. But they are generally such lovely people, and I am so grateful for people like those in my first year group, and some of the lecturers and chaplains who are very supportive. I think I’ll get over it eventually.

Anyway I just want to let you know how I’m doing. And ask that you pray for me, if that’s something you do. Thanks!

decisions

I don’t know why I haven’t been blogging. I want to. But words aren’t coming. There seems to be too much to think about, too much to do, that sitting down and blurting out my thoughts seems indulgent somehow, even though it actually would probably help me sort things out in my head.

My biggest news is that I’ve decided to do the Bachelor of Theology in youth ministry at Moore, which is a 3 year course. I’m currently enrolled in the Diploma of Bible and Youth Ministry, which is a one year course (though I’m doing it part time). But after mission week, I just thought and prayed and realised that I really do want to be well equipped to...gulp...work in full time ministry. What a turnaround! I have often felt like Jonah, running in the other direction from where God has called me to be. But as I am continually humbled before him to trust him and accept that his plans are good and wise, and I feel he is very much leading me in this.

Anyway so that’s where I’m at currently. I’m juggling two days of college, one day of church work, and every other spare moment trying to do design work. It’s a lot busier than I anticipated. Your prayer would be appreciated!