i can't decide whether i like living alone or not. i love having my own space, filling it with my own things, eating what i want, doing what i want. i like not having to share a bathroom with anyone. i like coming home and everything being just how i left it. i like the quiet but i like to be able to make noise when i want. i like being able to have people over anytime. i like to be able to play the piano without anyone listening.
but sometimes i get bored. and lonely. it's horrible when you're sad or sick because there's no one around to know or care about it. i love cooking but i end up eating all kinds of crap because i forget to start cooking until i'm way past hungry and then just need to eat anything (why is it easier to remember to cook when someone else is around?). sometimes i wonder why i need all this space. i never have any money. then i start to wonder what the point of living on my own is. am i just trying to prove i can do it?
i don't want to get a flatmate who is a friend because i end up resenting them for stupid, petty things. i don't want to get a boarder because i don't want to share my space with a complete stranger. so i kind of want people around but not living in my space.
i have become a selfish hermit. i'm not good at staying in touch with people either, even when i miss them. not sure why that is. i always wanted the kind of place that people would just drop into, come round for a cup of tea on a whim, that sort of thing. but i don't think people really do that; you seem to have to plan everything six months in advance.
and i seem to be getting agoraphobic or something - i find it really hard to go out these days. it's also turning up places on your own, i've always found that really hard. and also i get really tired so fast that i worry about going out on my own and not being able to get home if i conk out (lack of money means i can't just jump in a taxi like i used to). usually when i do go out i have a good time, but actually leaving the house has become a problem.
so come round sometime. i have lots of tea and space. :)
Funny, but I could so identify with some of that ...
ReplyDeleteYeah, I kind of know what you mean. I have thought about living alone but I think living with a flatmate from chuch has been good. I seem to get out so much that if I do have some time at home by myself I am grateful for it.
ReplyDeleteit's finding that balance, isn't it? i think i'd have to have a flatmate whose timetable was completely different to mine and who i only saw every now and again. recently i had a friend from church living with me for a couple of months before she went overseas and even though we had different social lives, etc, i found our home time ended up being very much 'together'. i started to feel stressed about seeming to have less time and personal space, which i hadn't been expecting.
ReplyDeleteand now, of course, i miss her terribly! :)
See, I thought Charlotte was the perfect flatmate: she lived at her fiancee's place, and only came home once a month to leave me a rent cheque. Poifect!
ReplyDeleteBut I can understand the lonliness - sometimes it's good just to be able to walk in the door and say to someone "My day was crap, how was yours?".
At least now I've got a dog that I come home to, althought I'm sure she is tired of hearing about my crap days...
(and boy, is she good at making me feel bad for leaving her in the mornings...)
a pet! that's what pets are for, isn't it? companionship and something to unload your crap days on without having to worry about burdening them (and even if your dog is sick of hearing about your days, who's she gonna tell?)
ReplyDeletein a flat, sadly, no pets of the hairy variety allowed. i considered getting a fish, but i have a feeling it would probably not really care about the kind of day i had. also the tank would end up getting gross and i'd just feel guilty and who needs that? :)
i know i do that a lot, especially living out in the country. i wonder why nobody visits or calls and then complain about it only to be gently reminded about all those calls and emails i haven't got around to returning and all those letters i haven't written. i think generally i want my social life to be handed to me and made super easy which is fair enough i guess but not fair on the people who do the organising. it's really hard to organise your social life when you're already feeling a little down. just remember bec, people love you and whenever you're lonely it can be nice to remember that people are thinking lovely thoughts about you. i'm not in touch with you anywhere near as often as i should be but if we invented telepathy you'd be sick of me by now i promise!
ReplyDeleteaw..thanks :)
ReplyDelete