the slippery slope to the end of the year

and so we reach the end of another weekend. have tried to make it work for me instead of getting swept away by it, but it still seems too short.

had drinks at home on friday night which was fun but a little tiring at the end of a busy week. went to the chiro on saturday morning, then did a very girly thing and went to bondi junction with mum for a pedicure. my toenails are all shiny and pink like christmas baubles! also got a new fancy mobile phone, so spent half the evening playing with that. today after church and a choir rehearsal, had fish and chips with the whittinghams and a lovely swim and walk at clovelly.

it was a nice oasis of relaxation in the midst of what seems to have been a really stressful and emotional time for me. been feeling very lonely this week and my mood has been all over the place - happy, sad, angry, frustrated, melancholy, placid, content, happy...then through that cycle of emotions all over again. i know it must be hard for people to be around me when i'm so inconsistent; particularly for some friends who seem relentlessly upbeat, or at least relatively stable in their moods. it's nice when i meet new people (like a couple of people on friday night) that they like me and we get along. i think over the last couple of years my depression was becoming increasingly obvious to the naked eye...i guess i had thought i was good at hiding it, but after hiding it for so long it just began to seep out of my pores. so i'm glad it would seem that i am still improving, that i can get out amongst people and appear to be relatively normal and easygoing, even if i have minor breakdowns behind the scenes and have to have afternoon naps (but how good are afternoon naps?!).

it seems as though the pressure's only going to increase from here on in.

i've just realised how jam packed the next couple of months are going to be, and i'm dreading it. i will probably actually enjoy it, as i find it's always better to be occupied and busy than sitting around getting too introspective, but at the same time i'm already feeling exhausted. our national conference in canberra is less than three weeks away and there's so much to do before we get there. my dad is going to be in town for most of december with his new (32 year old) girlfriend, so that's a...thing. there's the usual stack of christmas activities and services at church which require lots of involvement (musically at any rate). then there's christmas itself - janice reminded us in the prayers at church this morning that we shouldn't allow the stress of christmas to overwhelm us but to focus on what we're actually celebrating.

then new year's...yet again i do not yet have a plan for new year's. i'm thinking this year i need to actually decide what i want to do and make it happen, rather than getting to new year's eve and feeling disgruntled that i have no plans.

i am very much looking forward to the holidays.