So life immediately post-retreat was been pretty good. It's been a pleasant drift back down to earth, finally getting into my studio (above) and enjoying the savouring of big dreams and possibilities.
But then I expended all my energy on moving all my stuff from my room down to the studio and building lots of flatpack furniture (my life is pretty much brought to you by IKEA); mum kept saying "you've done a great job...but you'll be so tired!" and I'd just smile and keep going. And then sleeping has been okay but I'm waking up tired and sore, so I gave in after months of suspecting the bed has been sabotaging me and bought a new bed even though I can't quite afford it (but that's pretty darn exciting, can't wait for it to arrive). And then I forgot to take my meds (WHY is it so hard to remember to take those darn tablets every day?). And then I went back to work and although it was wonderful to see everyone, we had a calendar planning day and boom, there's a year of work just stretching out before me.
And now, although I am sitting in my lovely studio, I am feeling rather sad.
That feels very ungracious, because I've had such a wonderful couple of weeks! I'm trying to let the sad thoughts and the imposter-syndrome rubbish just keep moving on by - it's not based on reality, and is just the result of post-event slump combined with depression. It's pretty much to be expected, really.
Must be kind to myself!
Yes! Be kind to yourself! And remember that the future comes one day at a time and pretty much all those things on the calendar you don't have to deal with yet.
ReplyDeleteMight be worth thinking a bit about the sad feelings, though, and where they come from. I've been thinking about these two paragraphs from this article lately http://www.elle.com/life-love/society-career/how-i-stopped-grappling-with-professional-envy-2 : it's to do with professional envy, but the principle regarding feelings is the same:
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So how do we learn how to stop indulging in something we know is ugly and toxic? I asked Dr. Mary Lamia, a clinical psychologist in Marin County, California, how to cope. The first thing she said is that these feelings are unavoidable. "Emotions are automatic. And the only way to avoid your emotions is to cut off part of your brain, and you don’t want to do that," she says. (I mean, sometimes I'd prefer to just have a lobotomy, but she's right, that's probably not healthy).
She explained what's actually going on beneath the envy: "Envy is an aspect of shame. Usually shame does one of four things: we attack others, we attack ourselves, we withdraw, or we avoid." She says, according to what I've told her, that it sounds like my reaction is to attack myself (which is why I felt so bad about being jealous). The way you stop the shame spiral, she tells me, is to feel what you feel, but then take the time to examine it. You should ask yourself questions like, What is it that they have that I don't have? What do I really want for myself? What are the tangible steps I need to take in order to get what I really want? It's also helpful to take a break from Facebook, Twitter, and industry websites when you're only using them to torture yourself.
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So feel what you feel, But take the time to examine it.