foggy

I wish I had positive things to write about. It's not that anything bad has happened, it's just that I'm in one of those phases where the fog is getting thicker and the positives are starting to seem very dim, even though they're still there. I'm sure it will blow over soon, but I'm struggling not to feel overwhelmed and teary all. the. time.

I feel yuck about myself. I started Weight Watchers a few weeks ago and have already lost 4.6kg - yay me! But instead of feeling invigorated, all I see in the mirror is this blobby person who will never be a healthy weight (which is so untrue). Probably sitting around in my pyjamas doesn't help.

I have been doing some design work and enjoying it and thinking that it is looking pretty good. But instead of that boosting me, it's just making me feel tired and like I won't be able to meet the upcoming deadlines because I'm already out of puff.

College and church are both great, and it is wonderful to spend so much time immersed in the word of God. And yet I still feel like a fake, like I have no right to be at college, like I'm being flaky at church.

Basically, looking at that list, what I'm doing is being waaaay too hard on myself. I can see that. I keep trying to think about how I can be less tough on myself, how I can just relax without feeling like I'm being lazy, and wondering where on earth this level of self-criticism came from. And the only thing I can say with any certainty is that God loves me. He cherishes and values me. And this season will not last forever - even if I wrestle with this depression for the rest of my life, it is but a blip from an eternal perspective.

Just got to keep looking up and clinging to the hope I have in Jesus. My Bible reading from Isaiah 35 last night helped immensely to refocus my view. What a glorious picture this is!

[box]Joy of the Redeemed

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.
Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.
The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness;
it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
No lion will be there,
nor any ravenous beast;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
and those the LORD has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.[/box]

Flags

I've hit the Greek weeks wall. I still am excited to be at college this year, and even fascinated by the Greek we're learning. I am just so overwhelmed with all the new information plus all the new people I'm meeting, while the rest of life continues to barrel on.

The depression flags are starting to pop up. Extreme exhaustion. Inability to think beyond a few hours ahead. Forgetfulness. And this morning I started crying on my drive in to college, not because I was sad, or for any particular reason other than just being overwhelmed.

I need to pay better attention to the flags. So I went home at morning tea and slept til mid afternoon. I had to cancel something else later in the week just to get some space. I have to remind myself these things are okay; it's about being able to stick at this for the long term, so looking after myself in the short term is required.

natural beauty

It's hard to avoid if you're anywhere out and about...yes, it's the 14th of February, Australian Decimal Currency Day.  In honour of this auspicious occasion, I went next door and took some photos of my neighbour's lovely rose garden.

If you are feeling sad, lonely, frustrated, irritated or otherwise generally bah-humbug about today, I hope you enjoy these flowers.  If you are enjoying your decimal currency, please continue.

x

management

So following on from yesterday, I do love college but I'm already feeling the effects of busyness and it's only the beginning of February. Starting to find that overwhelmed feeling bubbling to the surface, which I'm sure is the combination of massive amounts of information being poured into my brain, not sleeping so well, and feeling sick for the last few days.

As I've probably said before, I need to work out how to balance a fuller load of college than last year with church commitments (church on Sundays, growth group on Wednesdays, looking after music at Wild Street @ 5, meeting one to one with a friend to read the Bible, youth group attending). I also haven't heard back from Centrelink yet as to whether I get Austudy or not...if I don't, I'm going to have to factor some more paid work in there as well. And this doesn't include time with Lachy, time with family, time with friends, and SLEEP (all of which are vastly important and without which I would definitely go under).

I need prayer for wisdom, my friends. This juggling of time was part of my problem last year, and I resolved to learn from my mistakes!  I would like to:

• make sure Saturdays are carved out for rest time (as Sundays are essentially a work day). I need to reinstitute the 'only one commitment per Saturday' rule. Actually I never managed to institute it in the first place, so maybe now's the time.  No packing things in.  Allowing time and space for spontaneity.


• not be anxious.


• take time to read God's word, reflect and pray on my own - and not just fall into the trap of thinking that because I opened the Bible at church or at college, that that is sufficient.


• do something creative that isn't college or work focused.  And I need to not feel guilty about it.


• go to bed earlyish and wake earlyish


• make a timetable and stick to it.  It's the last part that's tricky...I am very good at making beautifully colour coded and logical timetables and then completely ignoring them.


• understand my own limitations more and be able to say no to things.


• understand that time turners are fictional, that even if they were real I probably couldn't afford one, and I need to make good use of the time that I have.

Newness

I'm lying awake when I would dearly love to be sleeping. The problem is my brain is running a million miles an hour and I'm having trouble switching it off. I think i might have fed it too much today...

Had my first Greek class at college and loved it! I even eagerly did my revision this evening and downloaded some iPhone apps to help me study. I seem to have fully embraced the nerdishness of pursuing language.

And now I can't go to sleep. I have letters of the alphabet and random bits of vocab scrolling across my mind, like a news ticker on TV. You'd think it would help, but it's starting to get annoying. Like a news ticker on TV.

Okay brain, I'll do you a deal. Let me go to sleep and I'll give you more Greek tomorrow. How does that sound?